Hello …. How are you today?

The most beautiful thing about helping others on their emotional path and in the task of aligning mind and heart is learning from their stories, it’s developing a curious presence who’s eager to cooperate in their well-being. This week one of the themes that stood out is the love of our lives, that is, ourselves. I know, I can hear you: “what is she saying? The love of my life are my children” or “what?? the love of my life is my partner” or “ah, pff, I thought she was going to talk about romantic love”. And I understand you perfectly. We’ll get to talk about all our loves.

This time I’d like to focus on the love we offer to ourselves because our relationship with ourselves is surely going to have an impact on the rest of our bonds.

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

Have you ever met someone who is so frustrated that they complain about everything all the time? Have you ever met someone who has such low self-esteem that they desperately seek to please everyone? Have you ever met someone who is insecure but tries to hide it by being obnoxious? Have you ever met someone who is so sad that they don’t want to relate to others? That is why it is so important to fall in love with ourselves. Mind you, I'm not talking about doing it selfishly - "I’m going to the gym, doing my manicure, going shopping, take care of yourself" We are social beings and it’s clear that the healthier our relationships are, the better we’ll feel about ourselves.

Then why are there some people who have such wonderful families and friends and still don't know how to love themselves?

1. The outside

One of the factors that stands out in the lack of self-esteem, or in the uncertainty of what we’re worth, or in how we take care of ourselves, is to seek validation outside.

When we depend on what our teachers, bosses, classmates, friends, and followers on social networks will say, we begin to disconnect with our essence, we simply stop paying attention to our deepest needs in order to be accepted and valued by others. Of course, this is not about neglecting those who matter to us but rather about finding a healthy balance between giving and filling our inner selves. It’s a dance between us and the others. If I put the others on my shoulders to dance, I’ll end up feeling exhausted, if I give it all in my dance because I need to be congratulated, I’ll end up feeling tired and stressed. It’s more about looking inside, paying attention to what is happening to me and offering myself the care I deserve, and then I’m ready to look outside.

Writer Mark Nepo in “The Book of Awakening” says:

“Unfortunately, we are encouraged, even trained, to attract attention (…). From performing well on exams to repositioning ourselves for promotions, we are raised to believe that to be successful we must attract attention and be recognized as special”.

So much search for external validation simply moves us away from what we want and need.

2. Perfection

The same thing happens with our perfectionist tendencies that tell us that if we aren’t pristine and ideal, we won’t be liked or accepted.

Actually, the first question we should ask ourselves is whether perfection exists and what lies behind wanting to achieve those impossible standards. "Today perfectionism is seen as a tendency to set excessively high performance standards in combination with overly critical post-evaluation and a growing concern about making mistakes, traits that are expressed with low tolerance for frustration." (Frost, Marte, Lahart & Rosenblate, 1990). As I always say to my clients, you have to differentiate reality from ideals and choose progress not perfection, since the latter tends to paralyze us.

3. Success

Much of our suffering also begins when we’ve bought into the cultural ideal of success that is often completely antagonistic to our emotional balance. Important clarification here: I love having financial freedom, a comfortable home, good quality clothes, and expensive dates. The only problem is when we live to achieve all that but at the expense of our peace of mind. Something important to highlight here is the etymology of the word success. This comes from the Latin "exitus" which means "end", similar to the English “exit”. If we live to get things, our discomfort will be infinite because once we get what we wanted, we’ll want more. It’s good to achieve and get as long as it’s the result of my needs and not of what culture dictates. On the other hand, we could turn this topic around by thinking about success in terms of what I can contribute to this world and how I need to transform.

4. Generations

Psychologist Sheryl Paul tells us,

“If we had grown up observing those who raised us knowing how to lovingly care for themselves, we would have absorbed these habits of self-love effortlessly. But since most people's parents were raised by parents who didn’t know how to love themselves (and so on throughout the generations), we did not learn the habits that result in self-confidence and self-esteem".

The homes where we grew up are our first reference; a parent who loves him/herself healthily is giving tools to their children, who are permanently watching them. We don’t want anyone to blame their parents who with the best intention may have postponed their desires and sacrificed their passions. It’s simply an invitation to become aware of how those who raised us treated themselves. Did they find it selfish to take the time to do that hobby that they liked so much? Did they feel guilty if they went out as a couple and / or with friends? Did they invest in the things that gave them pleasure? (and I don't mean just financially)

WHAT TO DO? LOVE YOURSELF & PAUSE

In the end, loving oneself is a dynamic state that happens as a result of small actions that improve our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. It is a more expanded way of living.

Mindfulness contributes a lot to our overall alignment. When we are connected with the here and now, we are in tune with our needs, with what makes us vibrate high and with what requires our care. When we get caught up in the trance of there and then, we get inside the machine of doing, of worry, and of stress, and we misalign.

Is it wrong to plan and anticipate? Of course not, but first, I need to calm down in the current moment and thus, a space opens inside me to respond to what has to be done without reacting impulsively or getting sick from living so much in the future (unless you have a crystal ball).

Where to start then? The moment to start is now, as the great meditation teacher Pema Chodron says. Every time you find yourself obsessing about the catastrophes that will happen if you don't slow down, ask yourself "Is it really so? What is there behind this? What is within my reach at this moment?" When you find yourself uninspired, deflated, bored, change your state, put your body in motion, unleash your passion and do what rekindles your creativity.

Most importantly, the next time you discover you’re criticizing yourself, obsessing over what you have said or done (or haven't said or done), attacking your soul, pushing yourself to your limits with everything you need to "...", with your "failures", with how badly you have done this or that, with how little they care or like you, stop. Please, stop. Take care of yourself, think of your beating heart, your body working for you, and your emotional well-being.

Anchor yourself in the present and slow down so you don't fall into the trap of shame, guilt, and exaggeration. Life is presenting you with this moment, be grateful for this. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you treat the people you love the most in the world. To wake up from the trance of unworthiness, the two most important elements are to be mindful and self-compassionate. Be generous with yourself, fill your inner self and let that attentive presence inspire you to love yourself healthily and to be able to live fully.

A big hug ❤