Learning to set healthy boundaries
Hello …. How are you today?
This week I’ve found myself setting boundaries assertively three times.
I was thinking that ten or fifteen years ago this was unthinkable for me. The possibility of disappointing someone (because that's what my imagination told me) was inconceivable.
As the years went by, I’ve learned to say "ok, but later", "could be, but I only have a little bit of time", "I'll gladly help you but I can't today”, or directly "no, I can't, I'm sorry” And without explanations - a great achievement for me as I grew up thinking that being good was synonymous of being complacent.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
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PODCAST: Learning to set healthy boundaries
How do you handle this topic? Do you dare set boundaries but then feel guilty? Do you set them but apologize later? You don’t dare set boundaries and then feel like you've been taken advantage of? Do you always say yes to avoid conflict? Do you set boundaries aggressively?
Daring to set boundaries has a lot more to do with self-knowledge than with a specific technique to teach you how to set them.
It’s certainly wonderful to have a boundaries toolkit. This is especially true for those moments when someone asks something from you and you’re about to say yes again but reluctantly. Nevertheless, when we have enough self-compassion, love, and respect for ourselves, it’s much easier to know how to express what we can, want, and are willing to give and what not.
Author and researcher Brené Brown says, and I’m not quoting, just sharing what I’ve learned, that boundaries are a way to strike a happy balance between being generous to others and being true to our integrity. It is being loyal to oneself and grounded while having compassion for others. It’s about being clear about what is right and what is wrong. Daring to set boundaries is finding the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. I think that our ability to draw lines that delimit us has a lot to do with looking inside us and understanding what is healthy for us and what is not, what makes us feel comfortable and what doesn’t, what makes us feel at peace with our decisions and what doesn’t, and what transgresses our essence and what doesn’t.
My clients sometimes tell me "I have to learn to set boundaries" and on the surface it is true. However, after digging a little deeper we discover that their inability to do so is connected with their fear of rejection, with not valuing themselves, with not knowing what their worth is, and with whether they are enough. It’s much easier to gain everyone’s approval by saying "yes, I can, relax" than by saying "look, I can't now, I'm sorry." Mind you! All of these are unconscious mechanisms that’s why it’s necessary to ask for help sometimes. We don’t go through life saying “ok, I’ll put up with this but in return I’ll be important to this person”. No, of course not, all this happens on a plane that we most of the time we can’t even recognize.
Alerts and what to do
The yellow light turns on when a "yes" makes us feel angry, first towards those who demand from us and then towards ourselves because we haven’t said “no” in time.
The red light turns on when we feel resentful because we feel used but we don’t know how to get out of that trap. The secret as always is to pause and to develop a presence that observes how we feel. The next step is to have the ability to ask ourselves what that discomfort is trying to tell us. What it’s trying to teach us. And when we get in touch with our feelings and with who we really are, we can decide whether to say "yes" with real pleasure or "yes but not now", or "no" outright. The important thing here is that whatever we express will be the result of our choice because we know and feel what we are worth and we respect ourselves.
Listening and respecting ourselves
Our inner world is our refuge, just like our physical home; we must take care of it, we must love it, and we need to maintain it. Would you let someone who breaks your things and dirties your spaces into your house? Would you let someone who mistreats or threatens you into your home? Moreover, there’s another important point, once we regain our power and ability to see what’s right and what is not, we must stand firm. I still remember being a young girl finding the guts to say no at first only to apologize later and do everything. I couldn't stand bad faces and I couldn't stand fighting. Not to mention the emotional blackmail I sometimes got “can you do this and then that and on your way back that other thing? You’re so good not as the other kids” And that's a very basic example of something that is terrible.
Psychologist Sheryl Paul, says that just as our children need loving parents, who are loving, mindful and capable of saying yes to this and no to that, we need to develop those parental figures within us. This has nothing to do with your biological parents; it might help you to imagine this as an inner voice that guides you. What would the most compassionate, loving being who knows you best tell you in this particular situation? That question can be a good starting point for setting boundaries. When we know how to do it, we strengthen our self-esteem, our sense of who we are and our assertiveness. Consequently, we empower ourselves.
Setting boundaries
As for how to set boundaries there are certain features that are always useful:
Be clear: convey your message avoiding the blurry answers which convey neither a “yes” nor a “no”.
Express yourself with respect: set your boundaries graciously and without threatening others.
Avoid unnecessary explanations: guilt often leads us to offer all the reasons why we cannot do what we’re asked to do.
Stand firm.
Dare not to be liked.
When we train ourselves to look inside us, validating who we are and what we need, we have the clarity to see if other people are crossing the line, that discernment gives us the ability to choose how to respond. In addition, remember that the soul’s always grateful when we are true to ourselves. This gives us immeasurable peace of mind. Go ahead and set healthy boundaries!
A big hug ❤