Hello ….how are you today?

I knew that last week's post was going to have an impact on many of you but I didn't imagine so many!

I’ve been asked to tell my stories. Today, I’d like to share with you a relationship that I had that was exciting but also harmful, addictive, and stressful.

I’ve chosen one of my most painful life experiences in the spirit that it’ll serve you. You might be going through something similar or you might be putting yourself last on your list. I hope this helps you get to know, understand, value, care for, and love yourself.

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

This relationship had its positive side but the good peaks were very high and the bad ones were too low. It was literally like living on an emotional roller coaster.

Unlike last week that we talked about a healthy relationship where doubts can naturally arise, in this particular relationship, I lived orbiting my ex, who overshadowed me for a while. Then I got tired, and the one who began to move around me was he.

Addictive Love

The beginning of my relationship with Joseph (not his real name) was highlighted by adrenaline. Nothing was ordinary, everything was different, adventurous, and lots of fun. I didn't know if I loved him but he told me that he "adored" me. I liked to be put on a pedestal; in fact, I was raised to believe that true love had to be that way. A terrible message because being up there disconnects us from others. Not to mention that if you’re high up, falls are more painful. Joseph’s devotion didn’t make me feel like one of those Disney princesses but rather like a rock star. There was such healthy madness that suddenly, thinking about going out with Joseph was as essential to me as the air that I breathed. He cheered me on, listened to me, and calmed down my insecurities because he worshipped me. Little by little, I stayed by his side, fascinated by a lifestyle that I wouldn’t have dared to live in my wildest dreams. What started out as an absolute need for those dates, travels, and total lack of a routine, ended up being feeling addicted to Joseph himself.

If I was with Joseph I felt at peace, if I wasn't with Joseph I lost my mojo. Little by little, I began to adore him too. I was obsessed with being by his side and he was too. If I perceived any sign of danger, like seeing he seemed in another world, I started to feel in a state of alarm. If he saw I was distant, he fell apart. Everything turned out to be so twisted that although time was showing me some faces of Joseph that hurt me, I forgave him completely as long as I didn’t lose our extravagant, carefree, and reckless bond. In the end, that filled me with butterflies in my stomach. Joseph had a sweet, loving, and understanding side, that side made me fall in love with him and I felt content. However, he had another side that could go from the most insecure and needy to the most arrogant and obnoxious. That side made me furious. Joseph was unpredictable. He was obsessed with me but he discarded me when the object of his obsession changed to one of his many and varied projects. I never resented him for being selfish and self-centered. I justified him by saying that he was childlike.

Weakened Spirit

Everything one resists persists, right?. I resisted the insecurity I felt by his side, and thus, it grew bigger day after day. I had no certainty in that relationship. I couldn't start any projects with him, for example. I’m not a person who needs reassurance, I’m very risky but this was a very unhealthy extreme. I went from being a confident and courageous woman, to a dependent and hesitant one. I offered all my power to Joseph and I was at his mercy. Mind you, he was also at mine. But I’m telling you my story because it’s the only way I can do justice to my truth. I’m inviting you to see through my story whether you’re in a relationship where you put all - the good, the bad, and the ugly - under the carpet in order to keep things as they are. Mine was not emotional dependency; in any case, we both needed each other sickly. We both needed each other desperately. The difference between Joseph and me is that I was confident I wanted to be with him and have plans together. He, on the other hand, lost contact with reality from time to time and was haunted by ideas that were the cause of separation if I didn’t share them with him. For Joseph starting a family was unthinkable. He only thought about himself and about what stimulated him. He wanted me to support him and he didn't want to know anything about planning for the future.

The way out is in

Does this ring a bell? Does it have any similarities with any of your experiences or that of someone you love? What can you see in all this? What would you say to my 20-something self? I thank the Universe for the last straw in that relationship. As I told you, Joseph’s emotional swings drove me crazy. I did empathize at first, I was silent for a while after that, and I resisted, only to explode and threaten to throw in the towel later. I never did because Joseph always had a charming way of winning me back. But one day, the rope that kept us together broke down. I must confess that I waited for him to come after me, call me or write to me as he had always done but that didn’t happen until many months later. It was late though, he gave me too much time to work on myself and to be able to choose me. Our separation was complete. At first, I felt like I wasn't going to be able to breathe, nothing motivated me other than thinking about whether I’d made a mistake. My thoughts repeated on my mind like a broken record. Luckily, I was in the hands of a loving therapist who tried to guide me emotionally, I wasn’t very receptive. It was hard for me to listen to her but I persisted and over time, I understood.

Do you know what else helped me heal quickly? Getting my relationship with my body back. I began to take care of my diet and my sleeping hours, I had a relaxing massage twice a week, and I walked in nature for long hours. I fed my mind a lot too. I read novels, philosophy, and psychology with devotion and I listened to music from distant places that soothed my soul. I remember spending hours reading and writing my reflections in bars, going to the movies, and wandering about in shopping malls. I discovered how much it nourished me to have spaces for myself and only for myself. This certainly did help me emotionally and spiritually. I learned that we spend a lifetime looking for the exit door when the walls that surround us are made of cardboard. And I dared to kick them. I dared to live spontaneously, to respect my tastes, to take drama lessons, to set healthy boundaries, and to accept that sad days weren’t pathological but simply a part of my human experience. I began to love myself; I stopped longing for what was outside me and created spaces for personal fulfillment on my own. In short, I understood that the way out is in and that's where I could find everything that made me happy. Let me make it clear that I’m under permanent construction but I no longer let myself be run over by anyone

I hope this post helped you. If you know someone who needs help in their relationship, forward this blog/podcast to them and invite them to subscribe. It’s my mission to help build bridges that bring us closer to one another. Your recommendation also makes the ones who make this blog/podcast more visible. Thanks a lot for that.

A big hug ❤