Hello …. How are you today?

I hope you enjoyed your Tapping session.

Today’s topic is growing the love for oneself.

The idea is to question our obsession with what we don't want, what we don't like, what doesn't work, and what doesn't last. Then we are going to explore how to focus on what we are worth, what we do have, what we do want, what we do like and what works, and why it is so important.

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

Fear of not being enough and of not being loved

If there is something that is very clear to me from the interactions with my clients and from my own experience, it is that the fear of not being enough and the fear of not being accepted prevents us from loving ourselves. It doesn’t allow us to honor our deepest being and to recover our worth.

As a case study and only with the objective of learning together from this example, I’m going to tell you something about myself, and it’ll surely resonate with you. When I was very young, influenced by my family and culture, I bought into the idea that if I was a good student, I’d be able to go to a good university. If I went to a good university, I was going to get a good job. If I took care of my physical appearance, I was going to meet someone who would love me. If we both graduated with excellent grades, we’d get married and buy a house, we’d start a family and succeed in both careers. And the mess began right there. Except for the part about getting married and having kids, which is what my instinct helped me to put off until it was a real, visceral desire, I did all the rest, with very popular boyfriends included.

Do you know what the result was? Lack of love for myself, feeling uneasy about my life, and having an obsession for everything that I didn’t want. I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself, I didn’t know who I was and of course, I rejected all that emotional distress terribly. I had no idea of how to soothe my pain. What did I do? I closed my eyes, I went into busy-ness mode and goal achievement fixation. I worked for hours and days on end, I tried hard to do everything flawlessly, I was praised for my sacrifice, and I went out a lot on weekends to make up for all the bustle at work. But it didn’t work out. My internal pain only increased. I kept feeling that I didn’t want that life for myself and I didn’t understand why but I didn’t love myself. My dissatisfaction was complete.

Looking outside for validation

Let’s take off the first layers on our way to the heart of the issue. When we look outside and fulfill what is expected from us and when we kill ourselves to look perfect, we disconnect from our essence and our deepest needs. Our path is unique and we are the ones who must design it with intention and on our own terms. Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist and psychologist, wisely put it “who looks outside dreams and who looks inside awakens”

On top of that, there’s the feeling that since we don't feel we’re enough, we have to tackle every obstacle and be perfect so that the world recognizes us. The problem is that even if the entire population worshiped us, we aren’t going to love ourselves because we’re going to constantly depend on external approval. The pat on the shoulder comes in handy as a side dish but we are the ones who must love ourselves totally and unconditionally. Your titles don’t matter nor whether you’re liked by all those you come across. The key is to be comfortable in your own skin. It is our duty to honor our being, not because of our circumstances but because we are alive. You may think that it’s arrogant to celebrate yourself or that it’s selfish to love yourself but if you move with confidence and with the best intentions at heart, you’ll be able to share your gifts with the world with absolute certainty and the peace of mind that you are on the right track.

Being able to be with our feelings

If we continue to remove layers, another important issue appears. This is our refusal to feel uneasy. You might be saying to yourself "normal, who likes feeling like that?" When we don't like something, our biological reaction is to fight, flee, or freeze. We desperately look for ways to take away, to cover, and to fix what feels uncomfortable. It’s almost as if we couldn’t put up with ourselves. This discomfort often manifests in projections towards others creating unbearable internal toxicity. However, when we let go, which is not the same as giving up, but to surrender with confidence to ourselves and to Life, everything becomes lighter.

I remember perfectly when I was very young that I cried a lot because after a time in London, my lack of financial means, led me to return to my parents' house for a time. How could I love myself when I was feeling furious, defeated and moving backwards? I couldn't stop asking myself why that was happening to me when I was so good and had so much to give. I remember it vividly, I arrived at the airport crying my eyes out and suddenly, some inner peace started to shower me from head to toes. At the time I even felt that a presence that I couldn’t see was by my side, I don’t know, I couldn’t say. I just know that there was nothing to do at that point. I buckled up and rested with the certainty that everything would be fine when I returned to my center. And it did. Life has bittersweet moments. The secret is to savor and internalize the good ones to be more prepared for the difficult ones. There are no magic recipes; our inner selves must be cultivated with a soul that’s awake and full of love. How can we do that? Developing a mindful presence in the here and now, going with the flow, valuing life's opportunities, and seeking relief from challenges with healthy habits. That brings us back to our center and all there is there is love. As neuroscientist Rick Hanson says,

"We are like Teflon for good emotions and like Velcro for bad ones."

When we experience something good, we must allow ourselves to let it sink in, to enjoy it, and to do the exercise of internalizing those positive emotions because our default mode is to obsess over what doesn’t feel good. Ask yourself “what can I do to get on my side, to nurture myself, and to claim my worth? What needs my attention and care? What do I need to accept without attaching to those circumstances?”

Treating ourselves with compassion

To round off, I‘d like to say a few words about self-compassion that will help you embrace and love who you are viscerally. First of all, I ‘d like to clarify something as there’s confusion about this concept. Self-compassion is sometimes interpreted as being synonymous of sorry for oneself and an attitude of "poor me". That’s not correct, self-compassion is just the opposite, it is having enough courage to see clearly what is happening to us and to attend to it with kindness. It is treating ourselves with the same love that we treat our loved ones.

When we learn to relax, to contact our vulnerable areas with curiosity and tenderness, we wake up from the trance that tells us that we aren’t enough. There’s something even more beautiful in the concept of self-compassion and it is that although it has a lot to do with self-esteem, the latter is related to a positive evaluation of ourselves, which is the result of our appreciation or that of others’. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion doesn’t require passing tests, it simply helps us navigate life's challenges with care and gentleness.

Experiencing wellbeing

When we love ourselves healthily and radically we create a magnetic field where suddenly, we begin to receive, to see clearly, to enjoy, to love with eyes wide open, and to do our bit to make this world better. It is a path, not a destination. It is an exercise, not a result, and it is our birthright.

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A big hug ❤