Hello …. How are you today?

Do you feel like you’re always running and always pursuing a goal?

It’s exhausting, isn't it? 

In this podcast I’m sharing a 4-step technique (called R.E.S.T.) that will help you improve the way you self regulate and take informed action.

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

hamster wheel

It is very challenging to live pursuing one goal and then another and then another that it is normal to end up feeling exhausted and without energy. To separate the wheat from the chaff, I would like to clarify that it is wonderful to have aspirations, ambitions, and a clear sense of direction as long as we can flow with what we do and we can feel calm in the process. The problem starts when our quality of life is deteriorated because we can’t see that we are doing things right, that we can relax, and that we’re allowed to enjoy ourselves. A client who’s self-employed and whose company is doing extremely well told me how much he suffers because he keeps thinking that if he gets distracted, his company is going to fall apart. I have another client who is wonderful and generous but he has a hard time delegating things because he doesn't trust others to do things as well as he does. I have many more examples, but I am now remembering a client who has shared with me how much she is doing at work so she doesn't have to worry when she goes on holiday.

I insist, it is important to be organized, generous, and dedicated. For example, our children need us to order our schedule so that we share quality and quantity of time with them. We need to use our resources well to have some time to exercise or to go out with friends. It is normal to spend a lot of energy on what we have to do today so that it pays off in a while. The complication begins when I only think about the future. Instead of being mindful with my day-to-day tasks, I glamorize the rewards I will have in the future or I try to prevent the disasters that might happen.

What Neuroscience teaches us

Neuroscience Doctor Rick Hanson has taught me how our brains are wired to:

• Overestimate the pleasure of what we will gain in the future and the pain of what we could lose.

• Value the future as something real when everything that really exists is the here and now.

We don’t do this to complicate our lives, but in the past, getting ahead of danger was a matter of survival. However, today there are no longer animals that can eat us walking around.

Today I was just talking about this with a client whose comfort zone is to always fight and give 150% of himself. What happens, however, when we experience discomfort simply because we are doing things very well but we can’t stop either fighting or suffering? What can we do when we are used to racing constantly and then we don't know how to stop?

R.E.S.T.

I am going to share an easy, practical, and effective technique called R.E.S.T. It is an acronym whose letters I’m going to explain to you. You will love this.

▶R: Relax. When we are suffering out of worry, excessive thinking, fear, or anxiety, the first thing we must do is pause and calm ourselves down. How are we going to do this? Allowing ourselves to get out of the situation that is disturbing us (literally or metaphorically). We can take a few minutes, even if they are very brief, to take a deep breath, change our position or activity, and repeat to ourselves that “We are safe”, “We are fine”, and “We can stop”. Think of all the times you overwhelmed yourself with stories that never became true or things that did happen but that you had the tools to solve.

▶E: Evaluate. The idea is not to engage in long analysis but to check what we feel physically (Pain in our chest? Belly discomfort? Tension in our shoulders? Etc.) and then ask ourselves what we are telling ourselves that it is making us suffer. I always share the story of a therapist I had who would let me talk and talk in session and then ask me a couple of simple questions. Is it really so? Or, so what? Those questions have helped me avoid having unnecessary headaches and worry.

▶S: Set your intention. This means we will do what calms ourselves down and what bring us to our center in difficult times. Depending on what’s going on, we can set bigger intentions, for example, learning to set boundaries, practicing self-compassion, starting to prioritize, or asking for professional help.

▶T: Take action. In the previous steps, we self-soothe and we get in touch with what we need to do. Now we act on our intention little by little, slowly, responding to our needs and without reacting on impulse.

It seems like a long process but when you get used to:

Relaxing, briefly evaluating your physical and emotional state, setting your intention and taking action, you will be developing a new habit that will be invaluable in difficult times / times of stress.

I am the first person to raise my hand when it comes to admitting how much I have to learn in order to give myself permission to get off the doing machine of making and to dedicate to something that lifts my spirits, and helps me enjoy life. Little by little I'm getting there. It is important to seek help to understand when and where our tendencies started. I discovered with tears that in order to feel safe and loved, from a very young age, I began to be a complacent, good-girl but not always respectful of what I needed. This understanding has served me a lot as an evaluation of what I'm telling myself and what hurts me. Perhaps you believed that to feel worthy you had to excel at school and at work, and then you reached adulthood seeking outside approval with your successes. We can follow this exciting topic in another podcast. Today I’m leaving you this tool that helps my clients and me so much.

A big hug ❤