Hello …. How are you today?

Today's topic is quite taboo because one says "intimate pleasure" and what comes to mind is sex. Unfortunately, there isn’t a more bastardized word than “sex”. We associate pleasure with the secret, the dirty, the forbidden, what should not be done or told, porn magazines and movies, shameless people, and even vulgarity. However, intimate pleasure, whether in sexual terms or just by the mere fact that we’re inhabiting our own bodies, has nothing to do with basic instincts like the movie but with love, acceptance, security and presence.

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

When I was a teenager, I was told I couldn’t have any physical contact with my boyfriends. When a girl my age was sensual, both in my house and in my group of friends, that girl was labeled as "a little quick". I suppose the use of “little” was referring to something belonging to a lower level because if a person is "quick or fast", one associates it with mental agility and shrewdness. To make things even worse, as we didn’t know what intimate pleasure was, we were led to find out in all the wrong places. We came across images where bodily pleasure was something quite brutal and where a woman was completely objectified.

I remember vividly when a boy who was very close to my family and me had his first girlfriend. My father kept cracking jokes telling him not to be silly. He insisted that at his age he had to have a girlfriend here and another there. I, on the other hand, started going out with a boy, and my father got very angry with me, he never greeted or said a word to my poor boyfriend at that time. I felt enraged because I didn’t feel free and at the same time, I was terrified of losing my father’s approval if I didn't follow his orders. I was completely disconnected from my body, from my intimacy, and from the person I was dating. Everything was extremely contradictory. On the one hand, the demands to meet certain parameters about beauty were loud and clear, but then, when we reached the desired weight, hairstyle, and look, we had to keep it to ourselves and showcase it as a mannequin in society’s shop window.

And with all the things I mentioned above, I’d like to uproot the idea that to enjoy ourselves we have to look the way our culture dictates. We will never be happy living from the outside in but the other way around. Period. Let me add here that intimate pleasure is felt in many ways, not only in a sexual relationship and for this it’s key to feel in peace in our own skin. This goes beyond what we see in the mirror. It is about feeling free, calm and safe regardless of our gender, size, sexual choice, skin color, and spirituality or religion. I, as many podcast listeners know, had to move away from home and country at a very early age to find delight and joy in my life. I had been fed so many “must” and “must nots” that anything that was contrary to those inhibited me. Only when I broke free from what was expected from me was I able to make love to life.

I have a client who shared with me that he hasn’t felt any sexual desire for a long time. Digging deeper into his case, he never felt like he was enough. His insecurity was at play very early on when he was little at school and he had to choose his toys. He mentioned that he never chose anything until everyone had done so because he felt less entitled than the other kids. When he arrived at puberty, he settled for partners he wasn't very attracted to because he thought the people he liked weren't going to even notice him. Today, he is also low because he’s gained a few kilograms. The kilograms don’t weigh him down; he regrets having left himself last on the list. He doesn’t feel resentment towards his parents or towards his small children, whom he cares for so much, what he feels is sadness, disconnection, and exhaustion.

I’m sure that my client's story will resonate with many of you. It is difficult to enjoy our body and the relationship we have with another person when we feel insufficient and when we fear being rejected. Many times what happens is that we make up for that insecurity by being too nice on the outside, endlessly helping everyone, or on the contrary, withdrawing or distancing  from a world that we feel is against us. Some other times, we might seek pleasure in our work or domestic achievements but behind closed doors and in the depths of our being, we will feel dissatisfied.

This topic requires a lot of courage and self-compassion. Courage is necessary to peel back all the layers of years of trauma and pain and to do the necessary healing work. Self-compassion, is essential to give ourselves the necessary understanding, love, and care that is necessary to embrace our essence and our history. To feel pleasure, I insist, we need to be present. If we are stressed or anxious, for example, we are going to misalign and our minds are going to fly to the past and/or to the future. We need to be able to inhabit the here and now to be able to celebrate ourselves. It is also important to be relaxed and to have our senses wide open.

When my clients ask me: “but what can I do?” I reply to them with several questions, “what do you like?, what calms you down?, what makes you feel butterflies in your belly?”. Many times, they have been blocked for so many years that they have to start with themselves. My client started getting up early to go for a walk without any other agenda but to savor the moment. You can also offer yourself a bubble bath, you can stroke your body and look at yourself in the mirror and see how magnificent you are. You may seek enjoyment with your partner by cooking something special, by lighting up some candles, by snuggling in the sofa, holding hands, getting a massage, or sleeping in each other's arms. The most important thing is to feel at peace with oneself and to be able to bring all of our selves to our relationship. Little by little, we start to discover, know, and love who we are and that feeds intimacy with the other person.

I hope you liked this podcast. We don’t often talk about this topic and it’s such an integral part of our life, though. If you know someone who could benefit from this material, forward it to them and invite them to subscribe to the podcast. We also appreciate your recommendation and evaluation on any of the platforms you are listening to us as it makes us more visible to those who don't know us yet.

A big hug ❤