Hello ….how are you today?

This week's topic was suggested by a subscriber who bravely shared his unease at feeling stuck “in a negative loop” in his love relationships. He’s been feeling trapped in relationships where he is deceived or where he deceives himself.

He gets excited about the person he begins dating only to discover he’s been betrayed, which leads to his blaming himself for having trusted that person. Have you been there?

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

Love is not polished, linear, or predictable. There are no recipes for relationships to work or to know if a relationship will work. As sexologist Esther Perel mentions about the uncertainty of new relationships:

“There is only the unknown. The mystery of meeting someone new. There is no way to be certain.” … “The only way you’ll know is by being with the person – by discovering, communicating, exploring… allow yourself the uncertainty, the curiosity, the vulnerability of it all.”

Esther Perel

There is one thing that I am convinced of, though. For a relationship to work, both people have to change their focus from getting to giving. They need to be willing to offer their best for their partners to feel happy, fulfilled, and to enjoy healthy intimacy together. From my experience, the need to connect with my husband and vice versa is paramount as well. I want to be with him, he wants to be with me. The best plan for us is to be together. Mind you, my relationship is far from idyllic, honestly. We’ve worked hard to be able to see each other. When there are disagreements and we need to talk, we get down to it until we both find calm. When one of us has crossed the line and we need to apologize, no ego gets in the way and we ask for forgiveness from the heart.

Thomas’s Story

What happens when Thomas tells us that he gives his very best in love relationships but he either gets deceived or he deceives himself? There’s no crystal ball that reveals the truth about this but we can observe a pattern. On the one hand, Thomas might be idealizing the other person and/or the relationship with that person and on the other hand, that hope seems not to be truly shared. In Thomas' beliefs, if someone tells him “you are special”, “you made my day”, and even “I love you”, those are signs that his girl is in love. However, the beliefs and stories that each person has and tells themselves in a relationship are different. Our families, our education and our culture affect these differences.

The great challenge then is to be open to talk sincerely and calmly about what makes both people similar and what makes them different, what their shared values are, and what they want to give to each other. Nevertheless, this is like dancing to tango. It takes two to tango. It doesn't work if a person dances alone. The questions for Thomas and all those who are going through a similar situation are: “Are both of you together in this project?” and above all, “to what extent are you experiencing something imaginary and to what extent are you living something real?” A word that I love and that usually comes to mind in these situations is “discernment”. How difficult it is to be able to understand, evaluate and distinguish between what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong, and to be cautious accordingly in our behavior, right? But discernment is essential.

Discernment is key

In Mindfulness, we talk about awakening from trance. When we can discern, our eyes open. It’s challenging and brave at the same time but we must dare to be with our feelings first. That is the first step to recognize our emotions and make room for them. Then, we begin to investigate with discernment what is making us suffer and what is making us happy. What are the thoughts, beliefs and actions that lead me to suffering in this situation? What are the thoughts, beliefs and actions that lead me to happiness in this situation? In this regard, Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach says,

“If we are suffering, it is because we are believing something that is not true and caught in emotional reactivity. A key tool in meditation is investigation–actively inquiring into what is happening inside us. When we investigate with sincere interest and care, the light of our attention untangles difficult emotions and nourishes intimate relationships”

Tara Brach

Let me clarify that is not necessary to meditate to investigate with discernment. What we need is calm to be able to pause and to look within. In that pause, there is choice. How do I want to respond now that I have this new knowledge?

Breaking loops

Before I met my husband, I was also trapped in a loop of toxic relationships. It took a lot of work on myself for me to realize that I was looking in the wrong places and especially, from a completely impulsive mental and emotional state. Only when I told myself: “I don't want to go on like this anymore”, “I don't want to continue crying like this”, “I don't want to live in fear”, “I don't want to go through these melodramas”, “I don't want to live with the adrenaline rush of these emotional roller coasters anymore”, I was able to awaken to the love inside me. We are all love and we are so much more than the stories we tell ourselves. Believe me, your self- worth is phenomenal, dare to break the negative pattern where you are. Below, there’s a summary of what I told you above:

1. Recognize the negative pattern and make room for it

2. Pause and investigate what the characteristics of the negative pattern are

3. Act with discernment: entering a loop doesn’t require anything. Going out requires intention and dedication. Take responsibility. Change isn’t always easy but it’s possible if you want it.

Finally, as I always tell you, if you can't do it alone, ask for help. It’s the best investment you can make in your life. Bet on your well-being.

I hope you liked this post. If you know someone who is in Thomas’s situation or a similar one, forward them the blog/podcast and invite them to subscribe. If we all contribute our grain of sand, the world will be so much better because of you. We also appreciate your recommendation as it makes us more visible and encourages us to continue doing this beautiful work week after week.

A big hug ❤