Hello …. How are you today?

I’m starting today’s topic with a sigh. Who hasn’t been hurt and who hasn’t hurt others? It's hard to get in touch with a situation that’s broken our hearts and disappointed us.

I have to honor everyone who has experienced disappointment in their relationship, the pain touches something very primitive in us, and it triggers emotions that shake and hurt us to the core.

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

As children

Our brain is wired to avoid danger, approach rewards, and bond with others. From a young age, our innermost need is to feel safe, loved and valued by our environment. Little by little, a confidence circle is created, and this reinforces our trust in the world and in ourselves (or not). We feel a need, we express it, we get an answer, that answer reinforces our confidence in the others and in ourselves (or not). The dynamics where our need was met and those where it was not are imprinted in our soul. Our parents, teachers, and guardians may have had the best intentions and yet they may have obliviously failed to create a safe container where our needs could be met.

• Imagine something as simple as a child crying because he is tired and his parents yelling back at him and telling him to shut up. What will that child think? If I have a tantrum again, they’ll shout at me and they won’t love me.

• Think of a teenage girl who is insecure and who decides to wear a short skirt to get her friends’ attention. Her parents see her and are puzzled. They tell her that she looks vulgar and that she should behave. What is that teenager going to feel? Shame and rejection.

There are thousands of examples like that, where in some exchange with our environment, our trust was broken and insecurity, mistrust, and fear of rejection take a front seat in our lives. Unfortunately, we end up carrying those feelings into our love relationships.

As adults

We grow up and find it difficult to relax with the person we choose and one of the things that we need the most is to be able to rely on the other person and to trust that our lights and shadows are not only safe with them but also that we are loved as a whole. Now think about these new examples.

• One day we asked our partner to come to the doctor with us for an important appointment but he forgot because he had a hectic day. Our internal machinery starts working and we begin to feel vulnerable and to say to ourselves, "he isn’t interested", "he doesn’t have time for me", and unconsciously perhaps, "I’m not enough for him".

• Now imagine you discover that your partner lied to you. Feeling hurt and insecure, you resentfully repeat to yourself, "How could she do something like this to me?", "I was so innocent, how come I didn’t see the signs?" As a result, we end up feeling threatened, empty, and broken.

It is very complex because the circle of trust that I mentioned before is damaged. It is very delicate because as I told you we’re biologically wired to feel certainty and pleasure and to belong. What can we do when trust is broken in our relationship then?

Reactions

Most probably, the first thing that comes to your mind is to attack the person who broke the agreement they had with you. You might want to destroy him/her as (s)he did with your trust. He / she will walk away out of fear of your reaction and a tense climate is created where in the end, you’ll still feel hurt as you did at the beginning. You might end up building protective walls that reinforce your feelings of loneliness and discomfort. You transform into an alert detective looking for all the reasons why you might get hurt again. The distance between the two of you grows even greater. With each negative interpretation of your partner's future actions, mistrust grows more and more. When the reaction is to attack and to feel suspicious, the person who was hurt will feel even worse and the one who hurt won’t have the opportunity to repair what they did because they won’t be able to get to their partner.

The work as a couple

Every situation is different but I know from my own experience and from helping others that the most effective thing is not to act out our emotions. I know that you feel like throwing something over their head, you need to yell at them, and probably leave them, but wait first. Move very slowly and pause. Ask yourself, “Do I see real regret in him / her or not?” After digesting what happened, ask yourself, “am I giving myself the opportunity to hear what happened to get to this point?” “Did (s)he act like that in a moment of confusion that is unusual in him or her?” “Can I see that (s)he wants to do everything at their disposal to regain my confidence?” If the two of you are willing to look into each other's eyes, to see what is behind them, to listen to each other with your heart, and to express your feelings with compassion, there is a big chance to rebuild your relationship strengthened by the learning of your shared pain. When the people involved can speak mindfully, compassionately, and with a deep desire to make each other happy, there is a lot of room for that relationship to be reborn in a totally genuine way.

The work on yourself

In addition to working as a couple, there’s something profound to attend to when our worth and self-esteem are at stake because our trust has been broken. You can start by asking yourself,

“why do I feel so little?

“What old pain needs my attention, devotion and healing so that I can be better prepared now?”

I’ve been on both sides and surely you have too. Something magical happens when weapons are dropped, and without any protection, we see that the other person feels regretful, and a deep desire to repair what was broken. When the person who caused the pain is able to say “you must have suffered so much because of what I did, I’m sorry, please forgive me", the hurt person has the chance to listen more peacefully and attentively and with no other objective than discern whether it is worth giving the relationship another chance.

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A big hug ❤