Hello ….how are you today?

This week's topic was suggested by a subscriber but it will resonate with most of you and I can attest that I hear it a lot in my sessions.

😪Who hasn’t related to someone who’s exhausted one?

😪Who hasn't felt overwhelmed and sad after spending time with someone who seemed to have drained their energy?

😪Who hasn’t felt tiny with someone who treated one unfairly?

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

I’m thinking of a word that my clients repeat a lot - "toxic." They use it to refer from a relative to a boss. According to its etymology, something toxic is that which damages the organism because it’s poisonous. As a result, a toxic person, metaphorically speaking, poisons us. They are people who control us, belittle us, manipulate us, deny what we tell them and blackmail us emotionally

The biggest challenge is realizing that you are in a relationship with someone who’s toxic. When I was very young I had a boyfriend like that and it took me years to break up with him because I couldn't see that he was an emotional vampire. I remember contorting for him not to get angry or disappointed, and also for him to love me. I was adrift during those years, or rather, hypnotized under his "orders." I lived at his mercy and justified him when someone wanted to make me notice what they saw from the outside. I’m telling you about my experience because being in that place is extremely painful, stressful and distressing, and I don't want that to happen to you. My case was extreme and I had to hit rock bottom to wake up from the spell. That’s why the first thing we have to do is detect those who invalidate and poison us and take off their masks.

Detecting poisoners🔎

A toxic person is characterized by having one or more of the following traits:

1. They don’t respect boundaries, they just run over you.

2. They find fault with what you do and they’re meticulous in reminding you.

3. They are self-centered and self-referential; if you need a favor, they help you only to turn that to their advantage.

4. They play the victim to achieve their goals.

5. They change the truth to deceive their environment and achieve what they want.

6. They are envious and spiteful.

7. They gossip to tear their victims to pieces.

8. They aren’t interested in reciprocity in relationships but in having the power.

9. They don’t take responsibility for their mistakes, they justify their behavior and blame others.

10. They delight in drama, they love to help you when you’re in trouble but they don’t rejoice your happiness.

11. They create codependency (as it happened to me).

12. In high degrees of toxicity, they can be aggressive, intolerant and abusive.

But first, look at yourself

Mind you, as I always insist on this blog, we first need to look at ourselves and check whether we’re projecting something that belongs to us onto a person we don't like or with whom we’ve had an argument. Sometimes, the people around us may be going through a bad time and not behaving in the most coherent way, but we know those actions don’t characterize them. When we talk about people who poison others, we’re referring to those whose toxic behaviors define them and who have no intention of changing regardless of how much we talk to them and try to have a healthy bond. They are also people who may be either oblivious of the harm they cause or who might even rejoice in it. Yet, many times behind such a dark personality, there’s an insecure and frustrated human being whose self-esteem is really low and who unfortunately, makes others feel terrible to make up for their perceived shortcomings.

How can we handle our relationship with a toxic person?

1. Speak assertively and make it clear that for the relationship to work, toxic behaviors have to change. Don’t fall into the trap of offering explanations. Be simple and to the point.

2. Set healthy boundaries. Being a good person has nothing to do with being complacent. There are boundaries that simply cannot be crossed. Acts have consequences, you cannot go through life hurting others with impunity.

3. Leave the relationship without giving further explanations when there is nothing else to do. Sometimes the healthiest thing is to distance yourself from the toxic person. If you can’t because circumstances force you to spend time with someone like that, ignore them and remember that they have a problem, not you.

4. Be self-compassionate. Researcher Kristen Neff suggests asking ourselves these questions:

   Do I feel comfortable with this?

   Does or will this cause me unnecessary stress?

   Do I need more time and space for myself?

5. Develop a presence that observes your inner experience. If you begin to feel physical or mental discomfort, remember that your body speaks. Take care of yourself; think about what would nourish you.

6. Have a look at the situation with some perspective to see what lies behind a person’s toxic behavior. This doesn’t mean that you’ll condone what they do, but you’ll get that the other person has a problem, not you.

7. Ask for help if you can’t sort out the situation on your own.

8. Forgive as a liberating act. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be justifying the other person but simply turning over a new leaf. Try saying to yourself "that's it, I forgive you, now tread your path, and I’ll tread mine”

Having been so close to someone with a high degree of toxicity, I know how much you can suffer but also that it’s possible to open your eyes and free yourself from that pain.

I hope you liked this blog / podcast. And if you know someone who might benefit from it, invite them to subscribe. In this way, we can help each other.

Thank you for suggesting so many topics, thank you for being there.

A big hug ❤