Before you give up, hold on 🙏
Hello ….how are you today?
Today's topic has been inspired by three clients who, due to different reasons and contexts, feel the need to give up on their dreams.
One of them knows clearly what makes her vibrate high but she’s afraid of failing and she finds it difficult to believe in herself.
My other client does things with passion, he’s a tiny bit complacent, he says “yes” to all requests, but even if he contorts in a thousand ways, he doesn’t feel cared for at work.
The third client likes so many things that he doesn’t know what to invest in, so much so that he is losing motivation to undertake anything.
This is a multi-layered subject and it requires a great deal of self-compassion.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
The first thing I feel when I listen to my clients, and you might be experiencing the same, is how much pressure they’ve put on themselves.
On the one hand, there’s lack of self-confidence, the need to be flawless and to have everything under strict control. These parameters aren’t real, but while wearing a veil, the feeling of not being worth enough arises because it is impossible to meet those standards.
On the other hand, there is the need to give it all to be loved and recognized but, is it necessary to kill oneself working so that others value us? There will come a point when we’ll start to run on empty, exhausted from so much effort.
Finally, there’s the desperation of wanting to do something but not being able to discern "what", there’s fear of making a mistake when choosing. What happens as a result? One ends up trapped in a loop of inaction.
Perfectionism, control, fear of being rejected, fear of failing, inability to set boundaries are all part of a more emotional than rational conversation.
Let’s work! 🚧👷🏻
The work is deep and necessary because very often our view on life becomes rigid and we think in binary terms of "worth or ineptitude", "success or failure", "certainty or insecurity" and even "life purpose or lost in life" , opposites that are supposed to guarantee happiness or not. Our internal dialogue sounds something like this: "If I choose well, I do it wonderfully and people see me, I’ll be fulfilled". The most logical conclusion is that when things don’t turn out as I thought, when I don’t feel as I’d expected, or when I don’t get the external praise I longed for, I end up assuming that I’m broken, I’m making mistakes and eventually failing. As I always say on the blog / podcast, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. You only need the guts to roll up your sleeves and get to work on yourself. As a client told me, “this work takes a lifetime”. We are like small boats in a port. They might move away a little but thanks to their anchors, they return to their places. We do the same with the work on ourselves. It isn’t linear, one day we go several steps forward and another one step backwards or one to the side.
Now think about this: you’ve started the work on yourself, you’ve begun to peel off layers and to look deep within yourself. Little by little, you discover mandates, perfectionist tendencies, and a long list of "shoulds" and "have tos" that have nothing to do with what you really want. This disconnection from your inner self and truest desires might make you lose sight of what really makes your soul sing, and when you can’t see that clearly, you’re more prone to want to give up. Only by seeing what you have to work on can you align mind and heart. This is true for all of us. When we know where the wound is, we can heal it. Now let me ask you.
If you could do whatever you want, what would you choose? What nourishes you the most? What do you need to spoil yourself healthily? How would you like to live day after day? What makes you whistle quietly and peacefully as you walk? Can you contribute to the other people’s wellbeing with what you do or want to do?
Pay attention to whether what you want depends on other people or on external circumstances. You may have to rephrase your wishes because you can only impact what depends on you. If you like what you do but you’re devoting to it much more than necessary or if you’ve started to resent others because you feel used, it may be time to learn to set healthy boundaries, for example.
Before giving up, hold on
Before giving up, hold on, look inside, and if you can't do it alone, ask for help. I always think that in the old days, tribes were great support groups from generation to generation. Today we have to seek those support nets. But they’re available when we start looking for them and when we’ve become clear about investing in ourselves. We must also be very compassionate with our inner experience from a place of presence that observes but doesn’t judge. Finally, let me encourage you to live from the inside out and not the other way around. May the knowledge of yourself strengthen your confidence and may that confidence help you understand which path you want to travel and how to do it on your own terms.
The ones who belong to my generation will remember Peter Gabriel's song, “Don’t Give Up”, which I want to quote while I round off:
" Don't give up
'Cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good"
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A big hug ❤