Being present for someone who’s having a hard time
Hello ….how are you today?
Let’s explore different ways to relieve others who are suffering avoiding imposing our way on them and respecting their path.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
We’re a culture that’s obsessed with words so much so that when we’re with someone who’s having a hard time, we rush to "fix them", as if they were something broken. Our head goes into problem solving mode and we start telling them "our" solutions one after another. Some other times, with the best intentions, and to minimize their pain, we blurt out: "that's it, it could be worse", "it isn’t that bad, come on”. Consequently, the person who’s going through a painful time might end up resenting us or feeling ashamed or they might simply have the legitimate feeling that their pain is not validated.
“We’re puzzled by others’ vulnerability because it hurts us and because it makes us uncomfortable”
Recognizing and accepting our own pain is the first step to be fully present for others who are distressed. Only when we accept that our pain is part of the whole that makes us up, can we support others from a place of true respect and compassion for their experience. More often than not, the other person’s grief triggers unresolved problems we have and that may be overwhelming. This is easier to observe in others. Raise your hand if you’ve heard someone say: "Oh, don't even tell me, I don't want to know, it hurts me"
Below are 3 actions that we are invited to avoid and alternatives to be healthily present for those who are having a tough time:
1. Avoid overwhelming them with your ideas of how everything should be solved.
The other person has his / her own emotional universe and ideas of the world that will never be identical to mine, no matter how much we agree. What I think is going to help them won’t necessarily resonate with them because they’re a different human being. The fact that they have entrusted me with such intimate hurt doesn’t mean that they need me to tell them what and how to do it. They have simply opened a door to a very sacred and private emotional space. What I can do is relieve them with my presence, with my empathy, with my interest in their well-being, with hopeful eyes, with a gesture that soothes them, listening attentively, respecting our shared moments of silence, asking them what they need with authentic care.
2. Avoid minimizing their pain, anger, anxiety, or fear.
We’ve all tried to help another person by reducing the intensity of their reality. Behind that gesture, there’s a very positive intention. The problem is that when my friend cries because he hasn’t overcome his grief yet, for example, and I try to relieve him by saying "such is life, you can't keep crying forever" the only thing I'm going to achieve is make him feel that something is wrong with him, that it isn’t normal for him to feel that way. Instead of mitigating what he feels, I'm going to enhance it. An alternative is to listen, to soften his pain with a hug, to invite him to go for a walk together, to ease that hurt by telling him with our gestures and a few words that we care about what’s happening and that he isn’t alone, that he can count on us.
3. Avoid trying to “save” those who are suffering. You might end up feeling that way yourself.
A super hero doesn’t support those in trouble, (s)he holds them in their arms: “Leave it to me, I'll take care of it”, “Forget it, I'll do it”. The problem with wanting to save the other is that no matter how good our intentions may be we run the risk of getting tired in the process. We aren’t Superman or Superwoman, in fact, we can unintentionally create the illusion that others can delegate all their problems to us because we’re always available. Haven’t you ever secretly felt that another person was taking advantage of you? Or the other way around, because it is always easier to notice this in the others, have you ever heard something like: “I gave you everything and now you’re paying me like this?" The problem is that those who over stretched were us, nobody asked us to do so. And if they did ask, it is because we spoiled them so much that they figured it was our role to give them everything. Being present healthily is precisely that, being present preserving our health and without putting it at risk. I accept my limitations and with that in mind, I offer my best in the most respectful way possible.
Where there is love, we don’t want the slightest hint of pain to be present. That’s why we can fall into the trap of wanting to tear it away from the other person. The most compassionate act, however, will be to honor the ties that interconnect us, supporting those in need so that they feel that they aren’t going through their experience on their own, comforting them in that sacred space that is created when we are together.
A big hug ❤