Three types of forgiveness (my story and others’)
Hello ….how are you today?
This week, I’d like to invite you to think of such challenging topics such as forgiveness and guilt.
Is it easy for you to forgive someone who’s offended you or do you obsess with what happened? Do you feel guilty when you can't forgive another person? Do you suffer if you accidentally hurt someone? Is it easy for you to forgive yourself when you are wrong?
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Some time ago, someone who’s very close to me hurt me deeply with his behavior. We’re very different and we know what each one’s like, so we try not to trespass the areas that we know will harm us. However, we had a shared experience of great stress and he invaded the land that delimits and protects us both. He just did away with all our tacit agreements because he followed his own needs without thinking of mine. When I look back at that situation today, I realize that this person behaved impulsively at a moment of great personal confusion. There wasn’t any direct intention to hurt me, I get it now but it took me some time to get to this point.
I felt very offended and I admit that I fell into victimhood: "How could he do this if I’ve given everything to help him?" I asked myself over and over again. And I knew he noticed my pain because my ways were pretty obvious but he just couldn't apologize. His incapacity to hold himself accountable for what he did was like adding fuel to the fire because it increased my disappointment and made it terribly difficult for me to forgive him. I felt trapped in the blame I was putting on him and in the guilt for not being able to let go of the situation altogether. If there’s something I’ve been able to do since I was a little girl is to take charge and apologize wholeheartedly. Why was it so difficult for him to show up and do the same? I wondered a thousand times. However, we’re all different and as this person knows me, he might have assumed that time would heal the wounds and that was it. And now comes the million-dollar question for me: so…would it be fair to say that I can easily ask for forgiveness but find it difficult to forgive others? Does forgiving depend on what was done to me and by whom? What’s it all about?
“Can someone tear us apart and on top of that we have to feel guilty if we don’t forgive them?”
My mother, may she rest in peace, usually said that she was forgiving but that she also had great memory. I didn't understand what she meant until I was a mature adult. In my old opinion, forgiving meant putting myself in the other person’s shoes, feeling what motivated them to do what they did and then resorting to my compassionate spirit to be able to forget the incident and continue as if nothing had happened (or pretend nothing had happened because sooner or later I’d forget it anyway). However, does forgiving need to be so radical? Can someone tear us apart and on top of that we have to feel guilty if we don't forgive them? Through the years, I’ve learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean justifying, excusing, forgetting or promoting the behavior that hurt us, but rather, freeing ourselves from the bitterness, resentment and anger that we usually feel as a result of the hurtful act.
The two prisioners
Draining the poison from our body is essential to live in peace. We can remember what happened without taking cyanide ourselves, right? Forgiveness, then, is turning a new leaf, it goes something like "either we start from square one with our regret and with the new learning or I wish you well on your path but away from mine." There’s a beautiful story about two ex-prisoners of war who meet after many years. When the first one asks, “Have you forgiven your captors yet?” the second man answers, “No, never.” “Well then,” the first man replies, “they still have you in prison.” This isn’t about asking the second man to forget his pain because it’s part of his experience, it’s more about asking him to go on in life, letting the hurt from his past coexist with the peaceful experiences of his present.
I don't know if I got to that place, I look up to the former prisoner of war who did manage to forgive his captors, I guess I don't even want to imagine such a situation. In everyday life, I think I’ve managed to disentangle myself from the suffering of not forgiving, I’ve managed to focus on what I want and to honestly release the people who hurt me. Another point that’s worth taking into account is that forgiveness is a process. We need to recognize our pain, suffering, anger, confusion or resentment and to make room for it within ourselves with the kindness that we’d offer to another person in our situation. We’ll get to a point when we’ll feel calm and from that place, we’ll decide whether to express our forgiveness openly or whether to do it in our hearts. This is something that took me a long time to understand. We might never completely forgive another person, but we can let go of a good part of all our resentment to be able to "breathe" a little better. On the other hand, it’s undeniable that we’ve also caused pain, we’ve also hurt somebody else, mostly because we were oblivious of our wrongdoing. I think this is the aspect that most hurts others: our lack of consideration. The truth is that everybody’s hurt someone and vice versa.
3 types of forgiveness & Examples from fiction
Let's move on to the three types of forgiveness:
The forgiveness we offer to someone we’ve hurt. Forgive me. I'm sorry.
The forgiveness we extend to ourselves for having been ruthless to our soul. My soul, please forgive me. I'm sorry.
The forgiveness that we grant to another, without necessarily condoning what they did, but feeling liberated from all bitterness. I forgive you. Let’s turn over a new leaf.
I really like to search for examples of what I write in literature and lately, on TV fiction. We’re going to analyze the three types of forgiveness with examples in different fictions.
In the Netflix series “Dead To Me”
The main characters become best friends. However, an action from one of the characters’ past torments her since it caused a lot of pain to the other before they were even friends. This person feels really sorry and scared. Despite how much she adores her new friend, and still at the risk of losing her, she confesses the truth with her heart in her hand. It’s a clear example of sincere apology offered to another.In the book "The Shadow of The Wind", by Carlos Ruiz Zafón
Here we’re witnesses of how important it is to forgive oneself. One of the main characters is about to destroy himself but with the help of another, he can set himself free, and discover his virtues. In this novel we see how this human being cannot and doesn’t want to reconcile with the most important person in his life, "himself." When one finally manages to do it, there is great relief. This is a great example of the second type of forgiveness.Les Misérables, by Victor Hugo
This novel explores the third type of forgiveness. The forgiveness that we truly extend to another. In this novel, we see how a criminal is persecuted by society throughout his life. This man made a mistake and a priest is capable of seeing his humanity and how regretful he is and forgives him so much so that the other can finally rebuild his life. This novel illustrates how fragile we are and how we need to let go to keep going on our paths.
Offering our sincerest apologies, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes, and extending forgiveness to those who hurt us is a practice that takes time and it’s our greatest act of courage to move on and not get stuck in our past.
Is it easy for you to apologize? Is it hard for you to forgive? Share in the comments, thank you!
A big hug ❤