Hello …. How are you today?

Today I’d like to talk about something that comes up very frequently in my sessions. It’s about apologies that don’t feel enough. What happens when someone says "I'm sorry" but it doesn't relieve us?

What can be going on when we are the ones who ask for forgiveness and the other person doesn’t take it well? In your work or in your personal life, you’ve surely been on one side or the other. It’s important to be well equipped to be able to ask for forgiveness with real intention.

So, if saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough, what are the ingredients of a real apology?

You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!

Writer Gilbert Chesterton said it very clearly, “A stiff apology is a second insult... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.” The key is to help heal the wound with sincere regret.

6 actions for a real apology

A team of researchers led by professor Roy Lewiski from the University of Ohio shed a lot of light on this issue after analyzing nearly a thousand cases. They concluded that for apologies to be effective, they must include the following 6 actions:

1. Expression of regret

2. Explanation of what went wrong

3. Acknowledgment of responsibility

4. Declaration of repentance

5. Offer of repair

6. Request for forgiveness

When we see this so neatly presented, it seems logical but in reality asking for forgiveness is difficult. Let me share with you what I hear in multiple sessions and in my personal experience. See if these resonate with you as well:

"He told me that he was sorry but that it was a joke that he never meant to offend me"

"I asked her forgiveness but she is very resentful, it’s difficult for her to turn over a new leaf" "What exactly did you say to her?" "I told her that I was wrong, of course, but that she also needed to put herself in my shoes because she overreacted"

"He said he was sorry but then he got irritated and asked me if I think that he always does everything wrong"

"He hurt me again and once more he apologized but I no longer believe him"

If you are reading / listening to this, what do you notice? … They are all examples of false apologies. How is someone going to forgive another person if this other person is saying "forgive me for what I did but you (did this or that thing)?" How is someone going to heal if the other person keeps making the same mistake and then wants to fix everything by saying, “I'm sorry”? In fact, what’s the use of asking for forgiveness if this is not followed by a restorative act?

When someone feels hurt, it’s important to see the other person can express regret. I’d say that’s the first step, but this becomes meaningless if the other person doesn’t take charge of what they did without any justification. The person who’s hurt needs to see that the other person’s feelings are sincere and (s)he also wants to know what the other person is going to do about it.

Examples

A client told me that he had been strongly betrayed by a close member of his family. To be honest, sorting out what happened to him requires a lot of maturity and clarity. Every time we had a session, he’d tell me about his pain and his desire to forgive. However, his wound was bleeding heavily. What was at stake in the background was first, that he didn’t find any relief in the other person’s words or actions and then, that deep down he felt that what happened was going to happen again. That is why I insist, saying "sorry" isn’t enough. Notice how different the following would sound: “I'm sorry because you are suffering because of what I did. I see your pain and I know that I’m to blame. I take responsibility because by doing this, I hurt you and I broke our trust. I know it will take time for you to believe in me but trust me, this won’t happen again"

action #7: Listen

You know what? It’s important to bear in mind the 6 keys to real apologies that I mentioned before: remorse, repentance, responsibility, willingness to change, etc. However, there’s something else that seems key to me and it’s the ability to listen. A person who’s been hurt needs to hear that the other person is sorry, they need to understand what motivated them to behave that way, but they also need to express themselves and be heard. Making room for respectful and mindful dialogue is crucial. And remember, there’s no room for excuses, there’s no room for the victim to become the perpetrator. It’s key to have the courage to put up with what the other has to say without being defensive. There is no repair if the one who apologizes is taking care of their ego and doesn’t lay down their arms.

kintsugi

Something magical happens when the person who made a mistake works every day so that the wounded person can heal and feel safe in a new way. When something is broken it can take time to mend but if the desire to do it is sincere, that bond may become stronger and deeper than before. In fact, in Japan, there is a technique called kintsugi that can serve as a metaphor for what I’ve been saying. When pottery pieces break, they’re put back together with gold. Pottery is transformed into something extremely beautiful and stronger. The cracks remain visible, and so is their delicate treatment. If we travel to the world of rock ‘n roll, this reminds me of one of my favorite songs, “More Than Words”, by Extreme:

"How easy
It would be to show me how you feel.
More than words
It's all you have to do to make it real."

Gary Cherone & Nuno Bettancourt (Extreme)

The next time you have to apologize, remember all of the above. If someone apologizes to you but you don’t feel it’s completely honest, tell the other person what is not working and what you need.

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A big hug ❤