Addicted to worrying
Hello ….how are you today?
Today we‘re going to focus on the addiction to worrying that we usually experience. We aren’t going to refer to the excessive worrying that turns into anxiety and panic but to all those obsessive thoughts around one thing or another that make us suffer on a daily basis and that take our power away.
Bills we have to pay, deadlines, jobs which in the summer drop a little, and even comments that we made or that others made to us that left us thinking and feeling uneasy.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Our brain is designed to see the half-empty glass; it’s always on high alert preparing to save us from what it perceives to be a threat. It’s very important to be fully equipped for the moments that worrying takes over us because our energy may plummet in seconds. There’s very deep work to do in order to get to the root cause of our concern. When we get there, it’s important to nourish ourselves with everything in our power to stop the harmful habit of becoming a serial worrier. Rick Hanson, neuroscientist, tells us
“The way you feel and act is determined by three factors: the challenges you face, the vulnerabilities that these challenges trigger, and the strengths you have to face those challenges and protect your vulnerabilities. For example, the challenge of a critical boss would be intensified by a person's vulnerability or tendency to feel anxious, but he or she could cope with this situation by drawing on the inner strengths of self-soothing and remembering how respected he/she is by others."
Rick Hanson
This is much easier said than done, of course. People sometimes share with me that they feel low because they worry about what their colleagues might think after they set a boundary. They obsess about the situation until they feel unbearable stress. I can't tell a client how he/she should respond to challenges or what internal resource to use. This is where the deep work begins, at the end of which, the answers will manifest clearly.
1. Your worry manifests in your body
Drawing from my experience, the first thing I’d like to invite you to do is to get in touch with your worry and how it manifests in your body. What can you feel? Pain? Pressure? Agitation? Where? Next, ask yourself what those feelings are trying to tell you. What is your body whispering to you? If we think of someone who was assertive in setting a boundary and then whips himself/herself because (s)he did it, the first step is to contact the feelings in the body. It may feel like some pressure at the base of the throat or a headache or tummy ache. Then listen to the messages that those feelings bring you. E.g. “You are worrying because you don't know if your colleagues will still love you. Feeling that you might be rejected hurts you. You fear going back to the office and being looked at with suspicion"
2. Questioning your worries
Therefore, when we find ourselves obsessing with intrusive thoughts, we should try to contact them at a bodily level and then call them by their name. E.g. “I am afraid of being rejected, of not being loved, of not being enough, of not having what it takes for ..., I might suffer ….” Etc. etc. Then, the invitation is to ask ourselves a simple question “is it really so? Is this real or is it a story I'm telling myself?" Reality might tell you that the situation at work was escalating and you found yourself at a point where you had to say "this is it, we can't continue like this" The fantasy that worries and traps you tells you that your colleagues will think that you are a horrible and despicable person.
An example
Your young son gave you a note where the teacher asked you to buy a list of school materials, you had so many things on your mind when you read it that you forgot to buy them. The next day, you remembered the list and felt you were the worst mother in the world. You worried because you thought that your son would be the only student without his materials. You imagined him looking at the other kids who did have everything. To make matters worse, you thought about how the teacher would criticize you for being careless.
Let’s apply the process I mentioned before. What do I feel at bodily level? What does this discomfort mean to me? E.g., I feel pain at the base of my throat. My body is telling me that I need to pause and be present. My body is telling me that I find it difficult to connect with the here and now. I’m so busy that I forget things" What is real in this anecdote? You forgot to buy the list of materials. You had a lot on your plate. What story are you telling yourself? What fantasy are you buying into? The lie that you are a bad mother because good mothers don't forget things. You’re certain that the teacher won’t have the empathy to see that forgetfulness happens to everyone.
3. Questioning you
And once you call things by their name and separate what is real from what is not (and which left you obsessing with intrusive thoughts) ask yourself, “what do I need? What would nurture me? A hug? A break? A more compassionate outlook on my life? More kindness to myself? Talking to friends? What do I need viscerally? At that moment you might find yourself crying because you realized that it’s all part of being human. When you meet yourself exactly where you are, the answers will appear. Only by making this sacred pause will we come out of the trance of worrying.
10 Years from now exercise
I’d like to invite you to think about a situation that was really hard in the past, in which you worried more than necessary, you felt stressed and bitter, and then nothing you imagined happened. How much energy is drained in those moments! Now imagine yourself 10 years from now, look back and see yourself, what would you say to yourself? What does the person that you are today need? What does experience know you most need to know and have? Perhaps you discover that worrying gives you a false sense of having things under control when in reality control is an illusion. You may discover that you think and do more to get away from the present moment and what your true being really needs. What can you do to respect, love, and take care of yourself?
😎Top secret: the antidote to worrying
To round off, I’d like to tell you which the greatest antidote to worrying is and it is gratitude. We take so much for granted! We have so many reasons to thank and smile. Pause and honor everything you are and have, all that works, and enjoy your life. The great Brother David Steindl-Rast, Austrian Benedictine monk, tells us:
“The root of joy is gratitude. It is not that happiness makes us grateful: it is gratitude that makes us happy”.
Brother David Steindl-Rast
That energy will quickly bring you out of the trance of worry. Don't postpone yourself. The time to start is now.
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A big hug ❤