Mom, Dad, I'm bored!
Hello ….how are you today?
It’s noticing or hearing that our children are bored. It’s almost a fatal feeling because when we finally start working or take a break from it, we feel a dagger in our chest because we perceive or hear that our children don’t know what to do with their free time.
How do you deal with these situations?
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
“Give me a sandwich, give me something!”
You’ll probably laugh at what I’m going to tell you. My brother was very active when he was a little boy and he used to complain that he was bored. I don’t think he could stand himself, to be honest. I perfectly remember him saying to our mother “I'm bored! Give me a sandwich, give me something!" as if my mother could fill the emptiness he felt inside. My mother was totally used to this so, she told him to run around the house, to go to the corner to see if it was raining, and if it was raining, she asked my brother to put on a raincoat and run in the rain for a while. The ones who grew up in the 70s, 80s and 90s, i.e. without screens, had no alternative but to seek fun in books, toys and in our imaginary worlds. Of course, it goes without saying that there have always been bored kids. I'm not sure, though, that the parents of the past worried as much as we do when we see that our children don’t have anything to do or are entertaining themselves with screens.
Reacting against their boredom
When I listen to other parent’s experiences, I feel completely identified. On the one hand, we cannot deny that we live in a digital era with digital entertainment, which is very fast and very overstimulating. On the other hand, we worry that our children won’t have fun with anything that doesn’t include a computer, video games or mobile phones. This situation hurts and puzzles us and so, we run to give our children something to do or to help them get out of the digital labyrinth they’re trapped in. “Let's go to the beach/park for a while”, “let's have an ice cream”, “would you like to go for a bike ride?”, “Why don’t we invite a friend?”. The challenge starts when we cannot play or go out with our kids because we have a long to do list from work. No wonder we fill our children with extracurricular activities or vacation camps. And honestly, this is wonderful if our children like it. But what happens when they don’t? What happens when they feel tired from school tasks and hours and all they want to do is relax during their vacations? What I'm going to say might sound harsh, sorry about that, but for me the main problem is us, the adults who can't stand seeing that our children are bored or that they don't have things to do. To make matters worse we hate being forced to let them turn to their screens.
They don’t know what to do with their free time… what about us?
When we rush to entertain our children, they miss the opportunity of creating ways to have a good time in their free time. We need to pause to connect with ourselves. We need free time to contact our deepest desires and to be mindful. If we spend all day from here to there, it’s most likely we won’t discover what we really like and want. Now let me ask you: if that is so clear to us, the adults, why can't we bear that our children might need some idle time to figure out what they want? I think that many times it distresses us to see our children like that because we are the ones who are afraid of slowing down to think, to reflect, and to ask ourselves about the meaning of our life and if we are living it well. We project our discomfort on our kids, “it’s such a beautiful time in a person’s life and my kids are not enjoying it”, but…how are we spending our vital moment in life? Psychologist and coach Sheryl Paul says,
"It’s allowing ourselves to be with those uncomfortable micro-moments instead of running from them that shifts how we walk through life (…) there comes a turning point when we, as parents, must learn to tolerate our own discomfort around our child’s discomfort so that we can allow them to learn”.
Sheryl Paul
📢There is light at the end of the tunnel
“Really? Is it really so? I’m curious tell me more...”
First, let's remember that children have a lot of inner resources. How many times have we sat at the pediatrician's waiting room only to witness how children manage to have the best time possible? They talk, they investigate, they ask questions, they invent games, they drink water one thousand times, they read magazines, and they simply find what to do because they have no other choice. In addition, if we perceive that our children are bored, it’s a great opportunity to take a few minutes to talk with them and ask them how they feel, what motivates them, what they dream about, what their friends are like, and so on. And get ready! Children and teens tend to be extremist in these conversations. “I’d like to play with a friend but there is no one available”, “I’d like to read a book but I’ve already read them all”, “if I don't play online, I have nothing to do”, that's where you have to help them question those absolute ideas and ask them “really? Is it really so? I’m curious tell me more” and little by little, you can guide them out of that state of mind where everything is black or white. Many parents tell me that when they talk with their children, they end up feeling irritated and burst saying, "there MUST be a friend, a book, a game, how come you don't you have anything?" I understand parents. I’m a mother myself. I also feel like saying the same, but even if our intentions are good, our children can feel judged and dismissed.
What can we do and what can we turn to?
First, self-compassion can help us to stop perfect parenthood parameters, which by the way, don’t exist, and to discover ourselves as humans doing our best. Second, self-compassion can assist our children to treat and view themselves with more tenderness and patience. Another tool that I learned from neuroscientist Rick Hanson is to help children think about how good their life is, how wonderful they are and then help them let those feelings sink in.
A child who feels good about himself/herself is much more resilient in the face of the challenges. And I think this is the most important thing I'm going to say today:
Our children need to be seen, they need to feel that they belong to our tribe, and to know that they have our company, understanding and unconditional support.
Many times, there’s something even deeper behind our kids’ boredom. They might probably feel alone and disconnected from their loved ones. That is why if we stuff them with ideas to entertain them, we are covering up their emotions and underestimating their ability to discover themselves, express themselves, and self-manage. We also miss the chance to be with them and soothe them with a hug and some warm words.
To round off, I’d like to say that a little time with nothing to do is healthy, some innocent time with screens isn’t a cause for concern, and we can be busy but we always have the possibility of saying "tell me what you’d like us to do when I’m done with work today".
I hope this blog brings you some peace of mind. If you are interested in the topic of screens, I recommend the book “Parenting for a Digital Future: How Hopes and Fears about Technology Shape Children’s Lives”, by researchers Sonia Livingstone and Alicia Blum-Ross.
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A big hug ❤