Becoming our parents’ parents

Hello ….how are you today?

It isn’t easy for me, it hurts me so much that I’m moved to tears as I’m writing.

My father became a widower more than a year and a half ago. My father, the careless one, the innocent in many things, the one who needs many lessons about emotional and social intelligence, is now old and alone.

What can we do when one or both of our parents need us as a compass to continue on their path in their later years?

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My father was always spoiled by my mother. When my mother fell apart in front of him without having had the slightest health issue, he didn't want to accept it, his wife must have been playing a joke on him. That was followed by a period of great trauma. My mother, the resilient, the brave, the sociable, the practical, was gone and with her my father's unconditional caretaker departed as well. My father, the careless one, the innocent in many things, the one who needs many lessons about emotional and social intelligence, is now old and alone.

Acceptance

Acceptance is probably the first and the hardest option we have. Our parents are our first reference; they were the ones we ran to when we needed help as kids. Suddenly, those gurus have no idea of how to deal with their lives. Personally, when I was growing up, my father was the source of pragmatism and conflict resolution. My mother was the one who hugged us and calmed us down. Nevertheless, if I had something that overwhelmed me, I’d talk about it with dad because he always saw beyond my problems and managed to relieve me. My father, the one who led so many teams, the one who raised two children, the one who, together with my mother, made a good living based on a lot of effort, is lost today. We’re trying to help him find some wellbeing in his situation. The truth is he no longer finds much meaning in his life, he feels alone, demoralized, and now he is the one who is overwhelmed, and now he is the one who needs relief. While I’m writing these lines, I remember the day he came home to spend the Holidays together. His green eyes were so wet, his naked fragility was so visible. Far was the strong father I had known. Such a strong image for any child! At that moment, I became aware of the drastic passage of time in him. His body is now tired, his steps are now slow, and he has lost some of his hearing and memory for practical matters.

Transition

This situation has forced me to go through a very important transition. I’ve moved from being a daughter with a father who, despite certain typical features of old age, was capable, to becoming the adult in our relationship. It's not easy, it's a transition that hurts, scares, and tires us. One wants to be able to help in everything our parents need and one day, we discover we’re exhausted and over stretching. I remember one day after my father became a widower that I looked at my husband desperately and said “what can I do? he feels lonely, most of his true friends are my mother's friends’ husbands?” My husband wisely replied “let go, if he didn't work on that aspect of his life, he has two alternatives - either he learns or he continues like this but don't put more pressure on your shoulders because that doesn't depend on you”. I suddenly understood that I was saying goodbye to the father figure I had and I was acknowledging that my elderly father is in need of help, support, affection, and guidance. In that passage, I had to make the decision to give my best without leaving my health behind.

4 key aspects

What can we do when our older parents become our children?

1. Self-compassion
   This is not self-pity. It is treating oneself with the same love that the wisest person would, esp. when we are at a crossroads or when our wounds are open. I remember telling myself “you are suffering, it is not easy, calm down, you’re doing your best”

2. Healthy boundaries
   There is a thin line between helping our dependent parents and exhausting ourselves trying. In the early stages of my father's loneliness, I wanted to replace my mother until he adjusted to his new situation. This perpetuated the co-dependence he had with my mother and it filled me with overwhelm and anger. When I set a clear boundary, he found the space to learn many things.

3. Take care of your deepest self
   Since my mother died, I’ve felt like an orphan because she left and my father is no longer the father I used to have. That hurts a lot. Something inside me realized that those figures that I unconsciously believed to be the chiefs of my tribe were suddenly gone. My challenge was to “reparent myself”. For more information about this process, I recommend the article I wrote on the subject.

4. Evaluate what your elderly father/mother needs most objectively:

• Assistance in mental health

• Assistance in physical health

• Assistance to be safe

• Domestic assistance

• Therapeutic support

• Contact the people who support him the most and offer them your support.

• Include him/her in the decisions if (s)he still has the power to do so because it is HIS/HER life.

How to love an older adult

And since nothing is a coincidence, let me share with you an anonymous post that I found on social media a few days ago. It really warmed my soul.

LET THEM SPEAK... because there is in their past a treasure full of truth, beauty and good.

LET THEM GO VISIT THEIR OLD FRIENDS … because among them (s)he feels alive and that they never grew old.

LET THEM TELL THEIR REPEATED STORIES… because they feel happy when you listen to them.

LET THEM LIVE AMONG THE THINGS HE HAS LOVED … because each one represents a life story, a moment from their past, an indelible memory.

LET THEM SCREAM WHEN THEY MADE A MISTAKE … because the elderly, like children, have the right to be understood.

LET THEM TRAVEL IN THE FAMILY CAR WHEN YOU GO ON VACATION …because you don't know how long he will be able to share with you.

LET THEM GROW OLD WITH THE SAME PATIENT LOVE YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN GROW … because it is part of nature.

LET THEM PRAY THE WAY THEY KNOW …, because the older adult discovers the presence of God on the path that remains to be tread.

LET THEM LISTEN TO THE MUSIC, THE WORDS AND THE STORIES THAT THEY WANT … because if there’s something they want to take away with them is the melody of what they have loved.

I hope this post has helped you. If you know someone who needs help with this topic, invite them to subscribe to the blog/podcast. If you contribute your grain of sand to the collective well-being, this world will be much better thanks to you. The ones who make this blog/podcast will really appreciate your recommendation. This makes us more visible and inspires us to continue doing this week after week.

A big hug ❤

Thank you!