When our birthday isn't necessarily so happy.
Hello …. How are you today?
A few days ago was my birthday and I had so many mixed feelings that I said to myself “I can't be the only person who’s feeling all this on her birthday”.
I have friends and family who love their birthday and others who hate it. I’ve always been quite minimalist but as I have so many different groups of friends, I end up organizing something quite big where everyone is invited. This year has been very different. I’m going to tell you why and feel free to transfer what has been the transition from one year to another for me to another transition in your life. You know those pivotal moments when we’re expected to be happy but we’re secretly not so delighted. Eg: Marriage Anniversaries, Christmas and New Year, End of the School Year Parties, etc.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Transitions are always challenging because they are the passage from a place that we know to another that we don’t know. The unknown usually scares us, what we can’t control usually creates anxiety, what we imagine about an uncertain future usually makes us anguished. I’m emphasizing the word "usually" because there are people who find adrenaline and adventure in not knowing quite stimulating. I also feel that way in connection to some aspects of my life, but when it comes to transitions, it’s definitely not the case. The good news is that I learned to go through the portals of every new stage feeling empowered by my learnings and that is exactly what I’d like to share with you today. But let's go back. I’ve always been the person who exclaims “I don’t want anything this year but then ends up organizing something nice and I end up appreciating it greatly. However, this year I began to feel some confusion as my birthday approached.
Baffled by my new pre-birthday emotions, I did the exercise I always do when challenging emotions sweep over me. I asked myself: What does my body feel? Pressure at the base of the throat. If I had to put a name to what I feel, how would I call it? Slight anguish, confusion and also gratitude. What a contradiction! I invited self-compassion in and I could embrace the emotional paradox that we often feel simply because we’re human. I went on asking myself, what are you obsessing with / believing / telling yourself that you feel this way? I miss my mother, I miss knowing that she’s alive, her death puts me face to face with mine in my mid-life. I’m no longer oblivious of that. I feel the grief of having awakened to the finitude of my life on the earth. I feel confused because I have everything to be happy – My partner, who supports me in everything with his unconditional love, my children who are good, intelligent, and funny, my true friends, my work that makes me feel fulfilled, among many other things. I took a deep breath and put my hands on my chest. I could find gratitude there.
I went on like this for several days, breathing deeply, meditating, writing, and moving more slowly. For me that has been one of the secrets to listening to my deepest needs. I tried to connect with the light, love, and warmth of my awakened self. Another lucid moment! The concerns about this different birthday disconnected me from my most tender being, that disconnection was what had been disturbing me. I tried to re-integrate my deepest being with what I love the most: the contact with my friends and family, my time alone, reading, meditation, rest and above all my faith. For all those who are listening to this and are going through a transition, let me tell you that when I speak of faith I’m not speaking of religion, I’m referring to the connection that I have with something much greater than me, the energy that created and creates everything, the greatest Love there is, absolute abundance. I surrendered to the certainty that I’m not alone, never, because that Great Creative Tenderness showered my entire being.
Little by little, my discomfort gave way to calm, and to the presence that observes, that lives in me and in you, and that is our most lucid self. It is our self that tells us "I see you, I know what you are going through, calm down, today this belongs to you, I love you, everything will be fine" Suddenly in my meditations, I heard the magic words "embrace yourself, be nice to yourself, celebrate yourself". Tears washed my face, they weren’t tears of sadness, they were tears of self-compassion. How long has it been since I did anything just for me!! I looked at myself in the mirror to discover even more. What I could see is the sum of everything I’ve experienced, the bad, the good, the ugly, the magical, everything. That realization made me want to hug myself. I had a feeling of warmth that ran from the top of my head to my feet. I was making peace with my moment. I gradually woke up from my trance and I understood what I already know but I have to remind myself sometimes. That loving presence that lives in me is the only truth. What if things aren’t the way they’re “supposed to be”, especially on my birthday? Lies. What is it that matters to me, to this Georgina who is neither the physical body she’s wearing, nor her age, nor her degrees and certificates? The most vital thing for me is to gain more freedom and more wisdom year after year. I want to grow in love and deep connection with those who are part of my life and with all the clients and students who place their trust in me, and I also want to strengthen my need for service.
Jorge Drexler came to mind "Calm, everything is calm, let the kiss last, let time heal, let the soul be the same age as the age of heaven" What a relief. Virginia Gawel, who specialized in Transpersonal Psychology, which is the type of Psychology in which I specialized and I continue to educate myself as well, says, “Everything there is in the Universe is expanding, everything is being completed. Thus, with the Task that we take on, we become a conscious part of that universal impulse. Knowing that we are a part of the Great Work breathes Life into our lives, it makes us workers of a Genesis that has not ended. We comply with the Whole by complying with ourselves” What does that mean to me? Living with a tender temper and equanimity. Imitating the reed that bends but does not break. There are things that I cannot change, and as I’ve always been stubborn with my wishes, I have to accept that this year my mother is not here, which hurts but why add suffering to that? I have so much love in me and around me and my mother also takes care of me, I don't know where she is but I’m certain she does. I embrace this new solar return, not with the excitement that I felt in previous years, but with a deep sense of inner love for the one that I was in all the stages of my life that led to this me. I feel peaceful since strong emotions no longer have the power to choke me with their claws. I’m the one who looks at those feelings, who breathes in, and who feels the mercy that only experience can give us.
Thank you for being by my side on this birthday, for letting me into your house, for letting me understand myself as I write.
If you know anyone who’s struggling with a transition, forward this to them please.
A big hug ❤