Different mindsets ... what’s yours? (Part 2)
Hello ….how are you today?
Last week we had an introduction to the fixed and growth mindsets.
Today I’m going to show you my story with both and how adopting one or the other has helped me or harmed me. I want to own my truth and be unapologetically me just in case you feel the only one with your frame of mind.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
A Little Girl, school and sports
Let us start by going back to when I was a little girl. I grew up in a house where being a good girl was key to be accepted, loved and chosen. Imagine the weight on my little shoulders. Needless to say, my parents indoctrinated me with that message with the best of intentions. They were convinced that educating me to be a nice girl was the path to my happiness. I must admit it was easy for them because I was docile, therefore, I don’t hold any grudge against them.
Now imagine me when I was about 6 years old. I was small, with curious and big eyes and an honest smile. I wore a perfect hair do and my school pinafore was impeccably ironed. I was a very good student and classmate, I liked having a real place in my teachers and friends’ hearts. I didn’t have to force myself to be liked, it happened naturally to me, I loved my people back too. If there was the slightest chance of conflict with someone, I just walked away. Setting boundaries and rooting for myself was hard for me. I could not bear the idea of not pleasing others. As a result, I left all the places where I felt I wasn’t liked. I was honestly very bad at ball sports. I tried volleyball, bastketball, hockey and tennis but I remember being in the middle of the court watching the ball go one way and the other and feeling completely lost. My parents kept telling me "well darling, your strength lies in academic subjects, not sports." And I believed them.
self-fulfilling prophecies
All these experiences were forging a fixed mindset in some aspects of my life. I’d say that in the social plane and in extracurricular activities. I said to myself, "I'm going to try this new sport" but in the face of the slightest difficulty, I gave up. Making an effort to improve seemed fruitless because I didn’t feel gifted for sports. This is how I left artistic skating when I had my first competition. I remember crying because my mother had gotten excited about my skating and she pushed me to participate. I asked my dad for help and he raised his voice a little in the midst of that melodrama exclaiming, "leave her alone, let's just accept she isn’t good at sports." I was a little girl, I must have been 8 years old, so I closed my mouth and secretly took a breath of relief because I’d become terrified of making a fool of myself.
Criticism and challenges
“...how much I suffered to avoid challenges”
The same thing happened with some classmates and friends. I was very calm, empathetic and understanding, which made it easy for me to interact with others. However, I suffered a lot when someone criticized me, not to mention when I liked a boy and he didn’t not notice me. I was embarrassed and didn’t do anything to chat or be visible for the boy in question. “What if he rejects me?” I’d think and I went on “I’d better forget about that useless hope”. I also recall that the girls who played sports, many of them were quite close to me, left me aside. They didn’t mean to but there were play dates after their matches and they played with many girls from their teams who I barely knew. Look at how much I suffered to avoid challenges, because I gave up so easily and because I felt hurt when I was told something that I perceived as negative. I myself was closing doors! Wherever there was a possibility, I would walk away for fear of failing. All of these traits are typical of a fixed mindset.
Studies, curiosity and going the extra mile
In my studies, things have always been very different. I never minded falling from time to time because my mind has always been super agile. It’s true that studying has always been easy for me but I assure you that I’ve always applied moved by the intimate desire to grow, master and experiment with the study material at hand. I’ve never been motivated by grades or what others could say about me. I’ve never felt stressed when I tried and went for more. In fact, I just love studying. My mental training makes me feel playful, curious, and daring to try different topics until I can unravel them. Of course, I still have a lot to learn and improve and that is exactly what makes me excited. In addition, I’ve always felt healthy admiration and inspiration for the people who tread my path before me or for the people that excel in the subjects that I am passionate about. All in all, in academics, I’ve always had a growth mindset.
exposure
When I started to work as a trainee for my university studies, I had an internal conflict. What others thought about me didn’t affect me when I studied alone or took exams, but it clearly did when I felt exposed to an audience. I got to the point of feeling some stage fright.
The change
I vividly remember a classmate who helped me a lot to evolve. Her growth mindset was impressive. Was she the best in our class? No, far from it, she wasn't the worst either, she struggled, she failed exams but she always got ahead later. Did she feel defeated? No, she took it natural. Was she stressed to be evaluated in her training practice? No, not at all, she did everything with joy, she was happy to finally put the theory to the test. Her positive energy was infectious. Just observing her helped me a lot to relax about my insecurities. I remember she pushed me to go dancing or for drinks. I was always so serious that I didn’t see the point in that, typical of a fixed mindset. Nevertheless, my friend persisted and did whatever it took to get me on board to have fun together.
Result: I learned to let go of my tightness and I swear, there was no turning back because I started to laugh at my insecurities and took the bull by the horns and began my work with a therapist.
Conclusion: mindset mix
In this short blog, I wanted to show you through some personal examples how our experiences make us adopt one type of mindset or the other and that these interact all the time. Nobody has one type of mindset 100% of the time. At the same vital moment, we can have a more rigid frame of mind for some things and a more flexible and agile one for others. The important thing here is that we can train ourselves to develop the growth mindset muscle one day at a time. It’s essential to first detect if we are falling into a fixed mindset. Second, see what lies behind it. Third heal what needs to be healed. Finally, start taking the steps that will empower and transform us. This is work takes a lifetime. If you need help, ask for it, you will thank yourself for that. Finally, it’s vital to be self-compassionate, to embrace our humanity, to recognize ours lights and our shadows, and with all this, to continue betting on our growth.
I hope this helped you. If you know someone who might benefit from this post, please forward this to them and invite them to subscribe. In this way, we are building bridges to help one other. Remember that you can also listen to these podcasts on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
A big hug ❤