Getting the spark back in your relationship
Hello ….how are you today?
This blog is dedicated to all the people who love their partners but who are worried because they feel that what they have with their significant others has lost its spark.
And I’m not referring just to the sexual aspect of the bond but to the relationship as a whole. Sometimes it looks as though the frenzy of juggling children, work and obligations has swept away the desire to be together, right?
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
I sometimes have the feeling that we take a lot for granted in our relationships. When we meet, the world stops. The first months and maybe years, all we want to do is spend time with our partners, talk, go out, and have rich moments of intimacy. However, one day we feel more deflated and our internal alarms go off. Is (s)he the love of my life? Do I want to spend my life with someone who doesn’t motivate? I feel bored, should I break up? Mind you, this blog won’t refer to the more than valid questions that appear with red flags in relationships. By this, I mean violence of all kinds - physical, verbal and emotional - and a total lack of respect, integrity and interest in the relationship.
“...our partner just becomes our roommate”
Instead, ’d like you to think of all the couples you know, who have been in their relationship for some time, who treat each other well, who love each other, but who aren’t so excited together at the moment. They no longer feel butterflies in their belly but they don't want to throw in the towel either (or not yet). I always tell a friend that it’s worth analyzing why among friends, we are relaxed and we aren’t micro-analyzing everything. In a relationship with our significant other, however, we look at them with a microscope, we find (or imagine) they have a thousand defects, and we are evaluating everything they do all of the time. That or we might be so absorbed by our obligations that our partner just becomes our roommate. And like in nature, if we don't water a plant, it withers and if we don't stoke up a fire, it dies.
So, what can we do?
The first thing that comes to my mind is that instead of doing we need to be present with our partners. I love Tony Robbins' approach because he says we have to shift our perception from wanting to "get" something out of our relationships to wanting to "offer" the best of ourselves to our loved ones.
We’d need to change the verbs then. Instead of saying:
“(s)he no longer excites me
(s)he doesn’t make me happy
(s)he doesn’t make me laugh”
we could start saying:
“how can I make you happy
make you feel excited
make you smile etc.”.
On the other hand, we also have to season and play with our lover. The smallest acts can rekindle a relationship, from having a wine together with background music, to making an invitation to go out when it’s least expected, to offering a massage, to looking for all the ways that can bring us together and have fun. Over time, it’s natural to feel different with our partners because under the pressure of our daily hustle, we might get distracted and bored, sex included. Therefore, we’d better look for ways to shake ourselves up. Above all, let's remember why we are with that person and what makes us to stay together even when we aren’t going through the best of times.
Another thing that I’ve learned over the years in my relationship and that I teach my clients is to take charge when, for some reason, we are more impatient, sad, and even angry. A long time ago, I learned to pause and open up to my husband by telling him that I’m going through something that is challenging for me but which has nothing to do with him. I explain that it is my challenge, that he should chill out, that I need him to give me a little time, that everything will be fine and that in the meantime, I need him to remember how much I love him. This is important because many times, our partners waste a ton of time thinking about what they might have done to make us feel like we do. The stress we go through these days sometimes makes us withdraw and distance from those we love the most. So talking clearly can turn out to be really soothing.
Routine and Rituals
Finally, I’d like to share with you something about routine and rituals which I love and which was written by Esther Perel, relationships and sexuality expert:
“Routines help us get through the day. Rituals guide us through life. Routines are concrete and repetitive actions that help us develop skills while creating continuity and order. Rituals, on the other hand, are routines elevated by creativity, driven by intention, and infused with meaning. They lift us up and create excitement. Inviting the concept of ritual into our daily lives converts the mundane into the significant. Jogging every morning is an exercise routine. Walking in the woods together every Sunday afternoon is a ritual for spending quality time together in nature. Setting the table each night is a routine. Decorating the table with flowers, candles, and a special china is a ritual for a perfect date night.”
Esther Perel
With Esther's words in my heart, let me invite you to think about the following: cooking is a routine that we carry out every day to eat but cooking together, laughing, and tasting what we’re making is fun, it connects us, it opens our senses and it makes our meal special, a well-deserved gift for both. Making love in our bedroom with the lights off on the same day of the week is a routine, but making love with candles, oils, and music is a common union between two who love each other and who transcend each other. As I said at the beginning, we take our relationships for granted. Nevertheless, for a relationship to grow and be strong, we must nurture it consciously, just as we care for our plants.
If you liked this blog and you know someone who might benefit from it, invite them to subscribe, that way we start building bridges to help one another.
A big hug ❤