Help! My children start their summer break
Hello ….how are you today?
This article is dedicated to all the parents and/or caregivers who have to reconcile work with their children's summer or winter break.
Not surprisingly when faced with this scenario, many parents keep their children busy with summer or winter camps, vacation schools, or an array of different pastimes. It is not bad if your children enjoy that, but what happens when they don’t? What happens when they feel tired after the school year and they want to feel more relaxed and obligations free?
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Our essential goodness
I feel that the first thing parents and caregivers have to work on is guilt. The guilt that arises from wanting to be with our children and not being able to do so or needing to work but relegating it in the pursuit of entertaining our children. To tackle this, it’s imperative to tap on our essential goodness. This is a core concept from yoga that I find liberating. Let's open to the idea that we are doing our best because our intentions are good. Unless we do that, we will feel that we are failing and we will end up whipping ourselves, which is an extremely toxic pattern. Our children need to witness that we are emotionally healthy parents. If we are irritated by their demands or the frustration of not being able to work, we are likely to respond badly or ignore them causing them discomfort and invalidating them. It is more positive to pause for a few minutes during our working day for our children to know that we love them, that we are balancing our obligations with the desire to have fun with them and that we will leave everything aside to be with them as soon as it is humanly possible. I’ve always asked my children a very simple question, “what would you like us to do when I’m done with work today?” These words work like magic when children have the whole day ahead of them and they don't know what to do with their free time. What’s more, once they have a shared objective with me and/or my husband, they can figure out how to fill out the hours till we leave the house.
A personal story 💖
I have a pre-adolescent and a teenager. Both are more independent than a few years ago and they manage to entertain themselves on their own or with friends. They both like to draw and do art with different materials and apps. Both are very sociable. They both talk and play a lot with their friends both in person and online.
Raising my children in this digital age is a constant negotiation about how they will use their screens, how much time their digital task will require, how and with whom. I pay a lot of attention to what they are doing when I see them online. If they spend a reasonable amount of time between shared games and some educational platform, I try to relax. I’m telling you my personal story because I believe that most parents looking for children activities outside the home fear two things: 1) that their children will interrupt their work or 2) that their kids will spend most of their time scrolling through their mobiles, tablets, or computers.
“...what they perceive as boredom may actually be loneliness and disconnection from the family and friends”
Our children sometimes ask us, “what can I do? I feel so bored”. The thing is that what they perceive as boredom may actually be loneliness and disconnection from the family and friends. That is the perfect time to hug them and talk about their possibilities for a few minutes until they calm down. Sometimes it’s just a question of inviting them to share the space where you are, some other times they need to brainstorm ways to be closer to the people they love. That is why, when we overload them with tasks, they will understand that they can only feel entertained by external stimuli. And if we do that, we are going to take away their ability to dive in and discover who they are, what they need and want to express, and how to manage themselves. We can always offer support for all the above.
What can you do?
From a practical point of view we can:
Prioritize our tasks to have more time with our children. They are not on vacation all year round and it is a unique possibility to bond with them.
Set boundaries. If we explain to our children that between such and such times, we are going to work and then we will play or go out with them, they will understand. If they forget and interrupt us, we must calmly remind them.
Talk to our children. Find out what their interests and dreams are and what would benefit them. Children have many inner resources and we have to help them unleash that potential.
Practice self-compassion. We may not be able to keep up with work like when the kids are at school, or we may not be the fun parents we'd like to be. Whatever the case, treat yourself with the same love you would treat someone you love.
Provide resources. Our parents always told us that getting bored was an excellent way to force us to be creative. I partially support that idea. We must help our children do what they like. If they like to paint, let's get them the materials. If they like to create, let's find items for them to do so, etc.
Establish routines for your children. In the mornings, my children put away the dishes from the night before, they tidy up their room, and take our dog for a walk. We have lunch and dinner together. They set the table and clear it. This gives a frame to their routines.
Get out of the house. If possible, organize your tasks in order to go out with your children for a while. You can run errands together and then have something to drink or an ice cream. You can also go to the square, the pool or the beach if you have a little more time.
What I would like to emphasize is that our children need to be seen, they need to feel that they belong to our tribe and to their friends groups. They need to know that they have our company, understanding and unconditional support. With our help, our children can learn to self-regulate, to find ways to have fun, build bridges with their friends, explore new skills and strengthen their social-emotional intelligence.
I hope this publication has helped you. If you know someone who can benefit from this, forward it to them and invite them to subscribe. In this way, we can help each other to feel better. We appreciate your recommendation and evaluation on any of the platforms you are listening to us. This makes us more visible and inspires us to keep offering this free material week after week.
A big hug ❤