I assume, therefore I am
Hello ….how are you today?
Have you ever wondered how many times someone assumed that you felt something bad about them when that couldn’t be further from the truth? With your significant other, have you ever felt neutral about a comment but your partner got deeply hurt? I’m sure that you’ve also been the one who’s assumed something about someone and then you couldn’t get off the hook. How much pointless suffering, right? Let’s become more aware of this behavior then.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
I grew up in a house with two parents who had very different temperaments and who were very devoted to each other. However, they had a habit of interpreting what the other felt and did, which wasn’t always accurate. My mum, may she rest in peace, would say: "Your father does it to me on purpose" and my father had his fair share of assumptions as well. The funny thing is they didn’t even refer to big things, they referred to silly situations but ... lots and lots of these. For example, my father very occasionally felt low and my mother was the opposite because she liked to walk, see her friends, and go shopping. When my mother saw my father lost in thought on the sofa, she felt convinced that my father couldn’t bear her going out so much because he wanted her by his side all the time. On the other hand, when my father saw that my mother was absorbed in something, something common because she was very active, he assumed that she was angry with him for not doing things the way she wanted him to do them and concluded that my mother was inflexible. In the end, these situations led them to stop speaking to each other for days on end. They then got tired of being silent and made amends. Nevertheless, what a waste of time they had in between.
If you’ve ever read Love in the Times of Cholera, you’ll probably remember two of the main characters who were married - Doctor Urbino and Fermina Daza. This guessing what the other feels and getting poisoned is graciously described by the great García Márquez.
For years Fermina Daza had endured her husband’s jubilant dawns with a bitter heart”. (…) “She heard him awake with the roosters, and his first sign of life was a cough without rhyme or reason that seemed intended to awaken her too” (…) “She heard him grumble, just to annoy her, while he felt around for the slippers that were supposed to be next to the bed”. On the other hand, Don Urbino felt prey of his wife's bad mood in the morning. “Once, during a party game, he had been asked how he defined himself, and he had said: I am a man who dresses in the dark." Imagine how much pain Doctor Urbino and Fermina would have avoided if they’d talked and clarified things. Instead they assumed that that the other just wanted to ruin their peace of mind. Mrs Daza was sure of her husband’s cruelty and determination to wake her up, and in turn, Doctor Urbino felt victimized by her selfishness and harshness, having to get dressed in the dark.
“The problem is getting trapped in assumptions”
In all types of relationships but I’d say that especially in romantic ones because of the daily contact, we assume and give meaning to situations that aren’t pleasant to us. One of my clients shared with me that her husband’s buying a stationary bike was enough for her to gather the courage to separate from him. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves, but what's wrong with that husband wanting to exercise? The problem was neither the bike nor the money he spent on things that he later left abandoned. The problem was that she assumed he was chaotic and that he didn’t listen to her. “He didn't care”, “I didn't feel respected” she told me. And guess what? My client isn’t the only one. I’ve heard so many men and women telling me things like "she talked to me in a harsh tone just because I couldn’t do the dishes”, "he got angry because he arrived late and our child was still awake." The problem is not having those thoughts. The problem is getting trapped in the assumption that the other did things to you on purpose because "she doesn’t care" or "because he doesn’t listen to me" or "because he doesn’t see what matters to me" or "because she enjoys giving me orders”.
AND HOW TO GET OUT? 6 PRACTICAL STEPS
I know what you’re saying to yourself: "yes, but in the heat of the moment, I can’t control myself and I’d want kill him/her", metaphorically speaking, of course. That is why I insist so much on taking a sacred pause and that’s why I’m writing this blog, to invite you to do the work, I’ve done with many clients and which works. Below are six practical steps I recommend which are based on Mindfulness and Self-compassion:
Pause to recognize your emotions in the heat of the moment.
Observe what events triggered those emotions.
Notice the meaning you assign to that event.
Differentiate what really happened from the meaning you are giving it.
Find out what is really happening to you. What's behind that anger/frustration?
Nurture yourself - get out of where you are for a few minutes, take a few deep breaths, have a drink, put your hands on your chest and offer yourself some comfort.
If you get used to taking the sacred pause before bursting, you’ll see how the stories you are telling yourself lose intensity and your emotions soften and even disappear.
It’s very important to do this in order to speak with the other person in an assertive, calm and loving way. It’s also so much easier for them to listen to us when we do it from that mindful place. So many times our limiting beliefs (the stories that we make up), prevent us from seeing the other person as they truly are. Talking with the other from the heart can even surprise us as to what motivated them to do what they did.
Dr. Urbino, Fermina and the 6 steps
How much better would Mrs. Fermina Daza have felt if she had stopped to make a sacred pause. She might have observed that she was tired, that she hadn’t slept well, that she was feeling frustrated and bored in general. The anger triggered by the noises her husband made had little to do with him and a lot to do with her own uneasiness. If only she had said "I’m sorry, I had a bad night, I'll stay in bed for a while” or "sorry, I'm bored but it has nothing to do with you", Doctor Urbino would have surely understood. By the same token, if he could have asked her “my love, what's wrong? Can we talk?” they would have had the opportunity to talk. Instead, he assumed his wife was perverse because she didn’t let him dress calmly. Neither the Doctor nor Fermina were evil people, they simply assigned meanings to the facts and didn’t question that. They didn’t pause to find out what was beyond those reactions. Sometimes digging a little deeper hurts so much more than saying "you're stupid / selfish / ungrateful."
It’s really worth it to stop assuming because it’ll offer us a more flexible view on life. The poison we swallow by imagining will also disappear. We can stop our judgmental attitudes and make a U-turn to see really needs our care inside.
A big hug ❤