"Ideal" romantic love
(inspired by my own story)
Hello ….how are you today?
This week I’d like to invite you to talk about love, not in general, but romantic love. Are there recipes for couples to work? How do some couples manage to feel unbridled passion, have fun and support each other in everything? Is that so though? Or is it just my perception that perfection is available out there but not in here?
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Last Sunday was Valentine's Day; I think that was what motivated me to write about this topic. The truth is I feel a bit like a renegade because every time dates like these take place, I start finding fault with them. Actually, what could be more beautiful than celebrating love, right? This is not what perplexes me. What I don't get are the images that we get: couples cuddling and passionately kissing each other with just desire for each other. It’s a bit like Hollywood movies, the bad boy or the bad girl (on the outside, because the movie shows us that they are really very nice), who is pursued by the one in love. The latter suffers, until the one that was pursued, wakes up from their trance, and suddenly, the two start a crazy, unbridled, romantic and “perfect” relationship (ok, after all it’s just a fantastic tale) .
“...I’m no longer excited...
...I can’t stand her...
...she bores me...
...we no longer need each other...”
FFF! This might be triggered by my memories of my younger years searching for that type of love without any luck because after the initial stage of butterflies in the belly, similar to what we see in the movies, I started to feel disappointed asking myself “and now what? Why have things changed? This must be an indication that something is wrong”. The "ideal partner" image that must "adore, satisfy and complete us" is perverse but it is the message that we get in most movies, music, novels, TV, and Western culture in general. It’s so sad to hear someone say “I want to get a divorce, I’m no longer excited”, “I can't stand her, she bores me”, “we are going to separate, we no longer need each other”. I was in that place and I know what my friends and clients mean when they share these phrases with me. And ... Mind you! I’m not validating couples that continue together despite having red flags such as addictions, abuse, personality disorders and irreconcilable differences in values, no, not at all, those couples need to break up. I’m referring here to healthy couples who after a while feel puzzled by the syndrome of "I no longer ... (fill in the gaps)". I’m writing about two human beings who love each other but want to throw in the towel because they were told that they’re flawed the way they are. The truth is, more often than not, all that is required from couples is to work on themselves personally and together.
When one points to another, there are two fingers pointing at the other person and three pointing at oneself. What do they want to reveal me? Most of the time, we demand from the other what we lack ourselves "she doesn't make me laugh anymore" but ... what about your sense of humor these days? "I don't feel attracted to him anymore" but ... how is the relationship with your own body and your sensuality going? "She no longer makes me happy" but ... what is your own mood like these days? We demand a lot from our significant others and we sit down waiting for them to give us what we lack. However, when we become accountable and nurture ourselves, when we healthily fall in love with ourselves, it’s much easier to put our partner's needs first. When we feel complete, sexy, funny, fulfilled, inspired, we can offer to our loved ones our most sincere presence, we can listen to them without judgment, and we can give them our best to make them happy. We just have to want to learn to love, because loving is an art, as Eric Fromm pointed out.
We cannot deny that time makes us more critical; we see the defects of our loved ones magnified and deformed as in those funhouse mirrors in children's parks. Let's get in touch with that reality, let's speak with respect, and let's reinvent ourselves by honoring the love that binds us together. On the other hand, there are times when we are terrified of surrendering to a lover. This can be completely unconscious but either because we’ve been hurt before or because we’re afraid to be seen as we truly are, we erect stone walls where it’s impossible for the other person to enter. We have to be brave to love, we have to dare to show ourselves in our most vulnerable state, we have to trust to start a new relationship, we have to heal our self-esteem to show our souls. This happened to me with all of my ex- boyfriends, including my husband, luckily for both, and with a lot of professional guidance, I learned that my fears had nothing to do with him. I learned that it was difficult for me to show myself in an intimate relationship, and I don’t mean sexually, because that was the easiest. Fortunately, I met him at a more emotionally mature stage, I was stronger, I wanted to heal, and we’d both suffered and that’s why we chose to create a patient and loving container for the waves of strong emotions that were yet to come. (and that still do).
I need to make it very clear that my husband and I haven’t figured everything out, not at all, we’ve had many disagreements, disappointments, fights and falls but what helped us grow is that we always kept in mind that we love(d) each other. Did we have a lot to work on? Yes. Were we keen to repair, heal, and learn? Also. Honest communication from the heart, without time constraints, and with true compassion has been essential for our relationship to flourish. Guess what else? Forgiveness. Being able to see that the other was really sorry, be it him or me, with sincere regret, has been a catalyst to apologize, turn over a new leaf, and continue hand in hand with our new learning. It isn’t about giving up our rights, on the contrary, if the other person or I screw up, we have to stand accountable and explain what happened. This gives us the opportunity to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and see what was happening that led to that action, in general, both partners are responsible.
Finally, I’d like to round off with something I learned in my coaching training with Tony Robbins:
“It is not the lack of love that separates couples, but the lack of intimacy”
By intimacy we mean nurturing the emotion and sensuality that brings balance back to the couple. That that differentiates us from the relationship we have with friends. I know what you’re saying to yourselves right not "but I’m always tired" However, it is much simpler. We need to reconnect with our body first, dancing, sweating, having a long bath, using nice creams, offering ourselves a massage. Then it is as simple as hugging our partners and saying, I had a long day, I can only think about sleeping, can you give me some time to take a shower, disconnect and have a glass of wine together later? And if there are children and it becomes difficult because they’re always around, a well-deserved kiss, and spooning in bed is wonderful to bring our bodies closer together.
I toast to real couples, who love each other in every gesture, who make mistakes, fall down and rise hand in hand because they’re clear about everything that connects them.
A big hug ❤