I’m not sure I’m up to "..."
Hello ….how are you today?
Let’s talk today about the fear of not being enough at work and / or in our personal life and how this insecurity is perceived by other people.
Of course, when one begins to peel out the layers to get to the core of the matter, one discovers that the issue is complex and that requires personalized assistance. However, I’ll try to draw some lines that go from the roots of this issue to its manifestation and to possible actions in the face of it.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Let me ask you a few questions first: have you ever felt that you have your job because you were lucky but not because you’re worth it? The same is true for relationships, have you felt that you aren’t worth your partner? Do you feel that your friends love you because you are complacent? The same applies to work. Do you always say yes and feel that’s why you’re valued? Do you feel like you have the expertise but lack interpersonal skills? Do you cover up a physical trait that you don’t like by being nice? And the list goes on and on…
I’ll give you a personal example. When I was a little girl I was very sensitive, I could feel everything happening around me, something that made me quite vulnerable, not weak, but very open to what was happening to others and me and there was something else... I was very shy. The problem was that at home my parents valued extroversion, a good sense of humor, interpersonal relationships, and beauty. I remember perfectly well one day that a teacher took my face in her hands and said “oh, what an ugly little girl”. My mother was next to me and they both laughed out loud. I was so young that I didn't understand the teacher had told me a joke so, it me hurt a lot but I didn't say anything, I swallowed that like I did with so many other things. I also remember birthday parties were a real nightmare for me. My mother came to them with me and I endured my inhibition by being glued to her all day long. I was very young but I felt (maybe I heard something, I honestly can’t tell) that my mother was mortified that I was like that, and for me “disappointing her” was devastating. Clearly, I did what most children do to be loved, I worked hard to bury what I believed to be flawed and unacceptable in me.
Let me give you a similar example but in the workplace. In many of my clients’ experience, they share the feeling that they don’t have the personality or the insights to be in their jobs. This of course brings about a lot of stress to them. When I ask them what they think has led them to where they are, the answer is always the same “… because I know a lot about this topic. The problem is that I don’t have the character to lead teams” or “Don’t know…It must be because it’s easy for me to relate to others and motivate them. The thing is I lack the know-how required for this position”. When I ask them how they handle this insecurity, they tell me that they distance and hide from others to avoid taking risks or that they say yes to everything to make up for what they believe is a lack of technical knowledge. What's the result? There’s great inner suffering in the effort to cover up their perceived shortcomings and there’s a hyper vigilant attitude to stop their true being from coming to light. In some cases, this is detrimental to progress, contribution and being heard. What's more, sometimes the need to avoid mistakes is so strong that people stop being proactive altogether.
The heart of the matter in the above examples is that both on a personal and professional levels there’s a disconnect with the gems that live within us and the creation of a character that will presumably keep us safe. We’re so focused on external expectations and on what we convince ourselves that we lack that we can’t see the wealth that lives inside us and that we could share with others. As neuroscientist, Rick Hanson says, “what looks like "the world is untrustworthy" is at bottom "I don't trust myself to deal with it." We must work on ourselves to re develop our faith in ourselves and to shed light on everything we have to offer and that makes us vibrate high. We need to dare to take risks in spite of falling, which is the only way to make progress; we need to learn to laugh at ourselves and to go through life feeling lighter without taking ourselves so seriously. And we also need to be able to pause and ask ourselves “Is this that I’m fixating on really so?” Sometimes it all comes down to recognizing that we’re stuck in a machine of overthinking and obsessing over certain parameters. Sometimes we just have to be able to feel the discomfort that comes with not knowing how things will turn out or how people will perceive me in order to take the leap and move forward. After all, we’re unique and what we bring to this world is as a result, distinctive and special.
Psychologist Virginia Gawel says something wonderful: “The fear of rejection will rule our lives only as long as we reject ourselves. We can overcome any rejection, except continuous rejection of ourselves”. The feeling that we don’t have what it takes to "..." is largely the result of our fear of not being loved, but especially of our own rejection. When we make a U-turn and begin to look at ourselves tenderly, we can discover the richness within us and embrace our identity, needs, times, and desires. Little by little, a world that we didn’t imagine opens up in front of us. This is more honest and self-compassionate, and it’s a place where mind and heart are aligned.
A big hug ❤