Providing emotional support to the complete family
Hello ….how are you today?
Have you ever felt that you couldn’t take a false step because your family system was going to fall down like a house of cards?
Have you ever felt exhausted trying to make sure everything and everyone in your family are okay? Has the pandemic enhanced the feeling of responsibility you have towards everything and everyone around you?
Do you feel that there isn’t space for you to have "a bad day" (after all, the rest has enough on their plate)?
I could sense compassion and a hint of anxiety. And it’s such a normal response when a person is living under so much pressure!
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
“If I fall emotionally, the rest of the family gets hurt...”
In moments of crisis, uncertainty, transition, death of a way of living and the birth of a new one, we’re expected to have days of discomfort, sadness, and anxiety. The conflict emerges when we grew up with labels that say “you are always so strong”, “you can always manage everything”, “you always help me and you are there for everyone”. While that may have been true at key moments or on many occasions, it just isn't true all the time. No one is Superman or Wonder Woman. Those are fictional characters. Real people need a loving container, support, rest, and their own space. We all need someone to hug us and tell us "I see you, you'll be fine, this too shall pass, and together we can handle this." Now, when there is no one to embrace us, the most normal thing in the world is to start torturing ourselves with thoughts like, "if I don't do it, everything will fall apart", "if I fall emotionally, the rest of the family gets hurt" How can we let go of those stories when we feel so alone? How can we stop telling ourselves those things when we don’t see any network that will catch us when we’re supposed to jump into the unknown?
Those who can do it all
I find it wonderful that my clients and subscribers share such exquisite sensitivity and extreme responsibility. In moments of passage, and a clear example is the current one, with the world as we knew it before the pandemic, and the doubt we have about what will happen next, it’s precisely this type of people who feel the most stressed. Why? Because on the surface, they appear to be ok dealing with everything, raising their foreheads, helping everyone, but burying their own needs. Sensitive and responsible people can’t see anyone feeling sad, they can’t let the situation get out of control. If the cost of apparent stability in the midst of so much loss is to give everything to everyone, they will do it. I’m very moved by what I’m writing because I see all those people full of love and the best intentions for their families and friends suffering in silence. It also fills me with so much compassion to see how they drain emotionally, how they shrink and burn out to hold their family system in the air while everything they knew collapses around them.
A personal example
“...terrible helplessness because despite my fierce effort, he was still falling apart.”
As many of you know my mother passed away last year, my first reaction was to lift my father as the earth opened up at our feet. It took me a while to realize that I needed a father, but our roles were reversed, the pain was terrible and we did what we could, no one was thinking very clearly. The world as we knew it was gone in a matter of minutes. The first thing I thought was: “I have to support my father, shake him a little, train him to live on his own, and guide him on a daily basis” He always leaned on my mother and I assumed that in her absence it was my turn to offer him some scaffolding. The feeling I had every day was one of terrible helplessness because despite my fierce effort, he was still falling apart. Then I started to feel unprecedented fatigue and finally, I was overwhelmed by my own sadness. The truth is that I didn't do what I knew I had to do. You might be asking yourselves what I mean. I had to honor the stage that had just finished, I needed to mourn, to be by my father’s side without holding him as if he was a baby. Finally, I had to do work on myself deeply for the new stage that was starting.
What can you do when you feel all that pressure?
When I think about the work you could do if you feel the weight of your whole family on your back, I see many layers. One is to pinpoint the context where the pressure appeared. As I mentioned before, transitions usually trigger anxiety and anguish. Then it’s important for you to accept what you feel without covering it up. It takes courage to let those emotions get on the surface. The next step is to investigate what has motivated you to behave in the way you do. Afterwards, it’s crucial not only to rely on your insights but to take actions in the pursuit of your well-being. In this particular topic, it is valid to:
Think about how you deal with boundaries, not only with other people but with yourself who might feel unlimited.
Create an inner, strong support for yourself, and also learn to ask for help.
Work on your feelings of guilt.
Learn to express your needs assertively, without victimizing or attacking others, but talking about the situation and the dynamics at stake openly and honestly.
Strengthen bonds outside the family, these will serve as relief and distraction, and in that give and take, your soul will relax.
Learn to detect when you’re reaching your mental, physical and emotional limits. There are several signs that point to these - obsessive thoughts, fury, anxiety, lack of peace of mind, and bodily discomfort.
Ask for professional help at all levels - physical, mental and emotional.
Each case is unique and cannot be generalized, it must be worked on separately. It’s clear though that you can’t go through life pushing, enduring all kinds of demands, and hiding or ignoring your deepest needs because that ends up draining your energy completely. You could start questioning the feeling that “you have to continue whatever it takes or everything falls apart like a house of cards” because that thought limits and disempowers you. That’s why I want to end with a comment of light on self-compassion and on the development of our mindful self when it comes to this very delicate subject. I’m going to do it by quoting Professor and Researcher Brené Brown:
"Sharing appropriately, with boundaries, means sharing with people with whom we have developed relationships who can bear the weight of our history"
That is, everyone supporting everyone else. And she goes on ...
"The result of this mutually respectful vulnerability is greater connection, trust and commitment"
I hope this blog relieves you. If you need help, ask for it, you deserve it.
If you know someone who can benefit from this message, forward it to him / her and invite them to subscribe to the blog. In this way, we build bridges to help each other.
A big hug ❤