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Someone hurt us and we began to feel that heat inside, that uncontrollable anger and that desire to punch back in the most painful way possible so that the other gets what he or she deserves.

Our reaction by default, for the most part, is to attack back, and be aware of the fact that attacking is not always screaming. It’s sometimes connected to stone walling the other person where neither a word nor a glance is directed at him or her. The number of cases that we create on our minds when we are very angry is impressive. 😤

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I was born and raised in a family where everyone is very passionate so, when we felt verbally or emotionally aggravated, we very quickly lashed out at the person who attacked us. The problem is that rage is terribly exhausting and we are the ones who end up feeling drained afterwards. I’m not saying that you have to be a doormat or passive. On the contrary, we must know our worth and act accordingly. My suggestion is to learn to defend our rights from an assertive, effective place, which doesn’t take a toll on our health.

Rage and fury, which are the strongest versions of anger, have several stages. As a summary, I will describe the three main ones below:

The first is the escalation phase: we get a stimulus, we feel attacked and our body reacts accordingly. Our heartbeat accelerates; we feel strong palpitations and heat, our breathing changes, our body tenses, our tone of voice changes, etc.

The second phase is the crisis: our nervous system becomes stressed and so we go into fight, flee, or freeze mode. Whether we fly off the handle, run away or hide, we are reacting without much mental clarity, our reasoning becomes clouded in this phase.

The third phase is the post-crisis: once the body calms down again, the level of adrenaline drops in the body, our emotions become softer, and our thoughts stop racing on our minds. It is at this time that new emotions arise, these range from guilt and recrimination to sadness.

What effective alternatives do we have in the face of rage?

1. Don’t let frustration and fatigue build up.

We sometimes swallow what we feel because we are afraid of being too loud, ungrateful, or not disliked by others. The last straw then overflows our sense of calm and chaos follows. It’s so much better to speak on time, without blaming the other or victimizing oneself, but expressing what our needs are clearly. At this point, boundaries are very important. Sometimes we need to set a boundary on someone who drains our energy (👉check this post about setting healthy boundaries👍) and sometimes, we have to set a boundary on ourselves. How many times do we say yes to everything and everyone only to find ourselves juggling everything later? That happens because we often fail to recognize how tired we are and how much we need to rest.

2. Move slower when someone hurts you, observe yourself, take some time out.

Beneath the irritation, there’s usually pain and disappointment. We sometimes behave like wounded animals that howl and attack instinctively. It is a challenge but I have been there and I can assure you that we can all press the pause button and avoid jumping on the boxing ring. Just imagine that you’ve swallowed a toad, all you need to do is to let it pass down your throat and digest it. And to this aim you need to move more slowly. You’ll see the discernment that you gain when you put some distance between what happened and you. An alternative to an angry reaction could be trying with, “this is not good for me, I need some time. We’ll talk later but not like this” or “we have to talk about this but now I need to take some time out”.

3. Contact your emotions and not the facts that triggered your discomfort:

If you relive whatever happened to you on your mind, you’ll get hooked on anger. It’s difficult to forget a fact, which makes us get into an endless loop where all we do is ask ourselves how the other person could do or could have done X or Y thing to us. As an alternative, bring to mind all the emotions you felt in the heat of the moment. Observe yourself now. You’ll see that those emotions decreased in strength or that they have directly dissipated. They behave as a wave in the sea, which starts, grows, and then breaks. Think about how you can respond to a challenging situation from a calm place and with effective communication next time. Self-compassion is key here, embrace what you feel, accept it, and remind yourself that you will take care of yourself first.

What rage takes away from you

When we give in to rage, our body becomes intoxicated with stress hormones. It’s much more difficult to calm down when one has already burst than when one is able to observe and choose how to respond. This is not about denying reality or our feelings. It’s about becoming aware of our default reactions to see reality without the bias of anger. Thus, being able to express our point of view in a way that the other person can understand. You may discover that the relationship that irritates you is dysfunctional or toxic and you just need to stop relating with that person, which is completely healthy too. The most important thing is that you respect and honor who you are from an empowered place, something that fury takes away from you.

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I’ve got some news to share with you before I round off. My friend and healer, Laura Dalmau, and I are going to offer the first retreat this year. It's a Reset Day in Viladrau, the beautiful town of Girona, Spain with fresh air and forests. You can access the information about this beautifully crafted day away here:

A big hug ❤