4 ways to calm down with self-compassion
Hello …. How are you today?
When you make a mistake or things are not turning out the way you expected, do you treat yourself badly, protest and criticize yourself?
Self-compassion is treating ourselves with that kindness and understanding. It is not easy. It’s much easier to be kind and understanding with others than with ourselves. In reality, our tendency is to treat ourselves badly, complain, and criticize ourselves when we make a mistake or when things are not working out as we expected. I’m not only referring to what we say to ourselves but also to how we feel about ourselves.
In this podcast we will put it into practice... Self-compassion in action!
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Examples of Compassion and Self-Compassion
To give you a concrete example of compassion, every time I get out of the supermarket, there is a lady asking for help. I feel touched when I see that she’s so alone, so invisible, and yet smiling while we carry big shopping bags. What I feel is compassion. There is something inside me that calls to help that lady. In response to what I feel, I greet her warmly and give her something I’ve bought.
A client who is very practical told me that he cannot bear to feel at risk of being exposed if he is wrong. That is why he hides what he perceives as his "weaknesses" by playing Superman, a character that he then finds difficult to sustain and that stresses him out. It is difficult for him to set boundaries, his levels of perfectionism are insane, and he’s harsh with himself if things don’t turn out the way he’s planned. We’ve talked about his upbringing and interactions as a child and how they have influenced the way he feels about himself today.
THE LACK OF SELF-COMPASSION IN OUR CHILDHOOD
“That child will develop an inner critical attitude in the face of life’s setbacks”
It's a shame that no one teaches us about self-compassion when we’re kids. On the contrary, we’re most likely punished with both grades and comments when we do not pass academic or life exams. Think of a child who has problems with a subject, and although he has dedicated time to it, he fails his test. His teacher tells him to try harder and apply more. He returns home crying, and his parents yell at him asking “how come? Have you really studied or not?” And then they tell him "we’re not going to accept a fail in the future, do something". What that child will develop is an inner critical attitude in the face of life's natural setbacks. What we really need is to pause, calm down, feel that it is human to make mistakes, and from there take positive action with discernment.
The process of Self-Compassion
It's very important to have clear goals and do our best and it's just as important to practice self-compassion along the way. To that aim, the first thing we can do is to recognize and validate what we feel. Then we are invited to treat ourselves with the same care and love that we would offer to someone we love if they were in our situation. Self-compassion can help us to make a radical change inside ourselves, making our inner life our refuge. Think of all the times that your inner voice lashes out at you because something didn't go well or because you said something that you later regretted. There is no inner peace in that place but frustration, sadness, and anxiety. That way of living is not sustainable because it completely deregulates us emotionally.
This is NOT self-compassion ⛔
Feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling like the victims of our circumstances. On the contrary, it is a tool to soothe us, to accept what is happening, and to take responsibility as to how to continue.
Self-abandonment or throwing in the towel. When we are self-compassionate, we understand that there are hard times and challenges to overcome. And from that place of acceptance, we commit ourselves to evolve and live a better life.
Boosting our ego and feeling superior to others. Self-compassion has nothing to do with comparing ourselves to others or being externally validated but with looking within with tenderness and understanding.
The pioneer on this topic, Doctor Kristen Neff, explains what self-compassion is super extensively in her book entitled "Self-compassion." I had the blessing of studying with her at the University of California Berkeley and delving into this crucial topic to have a better quality of life.
4 ways to practice self-compassion
Give yourself time and space to accept your emotions and thoughts. Put a hand on your heart and take a deep breath. You can say to yourself, "I know it is difficult, I can feel how ‘m suffering, I know I’m going to get out of this situation"
Rephrase what you are saying to yourself. If you find that you are being very hard on yourself, acknowledge it, and then think about what the wisest and kindest person would say to you if they saw you like this.
Practice a daily self-compassion meditation. It doesn't have to be long, 5 minutes are enough to rewire your brain and the relationship you have with yourself.
Journal. Write 4 or 5 minutes daily about the situations that trigger you and you’re your automatic reactions are. Once you are aware of this, write down alternative ways to responding to your hot buttons with self-compassion.
Self-compassion is an act of responsibility and commitment as the adults we are in order to break patterns that have harmed us and to evolve. This takes dedication, time, and patience. One day at a time we can transform ourselves to live a better life.
I hope this post has helped you. If it’s reminded you of someone who could benefit from it, forward it to them and invite them to subscribe. We appreciate your recommendation on any of the platforms that you are listening to us. This motivates us to continue offering this free material with this regularity.
A big hug ❤