Children who are suffering. What can we do?
Hello ….how are you today?
Today’s topic is equally valid for tantrums, rebellious teenagers, and even adults with their losses, frustrations, and difficulties. One of the most human tendencies in the world in these situations is the desire to remove the other person’s pain. It is a very noble thing indeed but in our effort to relieve the other person; we trespass the other person's territory. So… what can we do?
If you don't have children, I invite you to transfer today’s talk to any close relationship where that person is having a hard time.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
“...make room for what happens to us when we witness our children suffer”
The challenge for us is making room for what happens to us when we witness what our children / our loved ones are going through a tough time. I’m the first to admit how difficult it was for me to understand this. I don't know if it's the mirror neurons or if it's my empathy but when someone in my close circle suffered, my heart sank tremendously. My uneasiness was such that my default reaction was to want to sort things out for them. It took me some time to understand that I can empathize with others without interfering and that another person’s emotional universe belongs to that person, and only to them. All I can do is being by their side while they navigate their emotions and if those emotions are very strong and manifest inappropriately, I also have to learn to set boundaries. Is the above familiar to you?
"why are you so sad about this !?"
My children have days when I can notice they cannot put up with their pain, their anger, and their disappointment. That creates unbearable sorrow in me, of course. The problem is that if I tell them “look, I have an idea, do this or that”, I will be first invalidating what they feel, and second, I will be depriving them from the opportunity to find a solution by themselves. There are times when I see them, and all I have to do is take a deep breath, accept my emotions, and remember that I also went through similar situations as a child and teenager. To me it’s key that my children know that I’m next to them to listen to what they have to share (if they feel like doing that) and to hug them. This is radically different from what my parents did with me. I’m not criticizing them because I understand that their motivations were always good. I bring this up because it serves as a concrete example of what I’m saying. I vividly remember my parents telling me, " that's it, stop worrying, don't overthink it like that" or "why are you so sad about this when you have so much to be happy?". My parents loved me and because of that they couldn’t stand my suffering. However, the effect on me was counterproductive because I felt broken, complicated, and ungrateful.
What are our children expecting when they are suffering
When our children / or loved ones are suffering, what they expect from us is that we see them and support them without feeling a burden for us. Think about it the other way around. When you're the person having a hard time, you don't expect others to tend to your problem. You just need them to sit with you and to hear you. You might even feel grateful for a kind gesture that eases your routine in such difficult times.
Example #1: With my son 💖
When my mother died, my son didn’t shed a tear in front of us because he was afraid of being too much for us. I had to explicitly tell him that I love him so infinitely that I will always be able to embrace him when he’s in pain. That was a simple act that liberated him.
Example #2: Myself when I was a child
I have another example of myself when I was about 13. My hormones were upside down because I was transitioning from being a child to becoming a teenager. I have a clear image of myself sitting on the stairs that led to the attic in the house where I grew up. My eyes were watery after so much crying but I didn't want my parents to see me because I felt they couldn't handle me. My mother told my father that I didn’t feel good and that she didn't know what to do and my father told her that they were going to have to take me to the doctor. Look at how much we can unpack with that tiny exchange. First, my hopelessness made me feel like a hindrance to my parents. Second, my parents' reaction reinforced my fears and my beliefs because in their desperation they wanted to “fix” me with a doctor. Today I understand that all I needed was for them to wrap me in their arms and to offer me a few words of comfort.
Example #3: a client and her children
Before rounding off, I’d also like to tell you something that a client shared with me. She has small children and was distressed because they were screaming and out of control in a public place. She felt overwhelmed, angry, and at a loss about what to do. If this ever happens to you, trust me, your kids aren't doing this to you, they just can't stand themselves. Then I’ll tell you what I told my client. Sometimes children cry because they want us to be the adult parents they need. They sometimes need us to show them the path that they cannot see at a moment of confusion. If your child is frustrated and starts hurting another child, for example, you will have to step in assertively because that is not okay. You will have to get him out of that situation and help him calm down. And when you do, try to see what emotions lie below their behaviour. This is what you always have to be open to because the better your children manage their emotions, the better their relationship with the outside world will be. My kids are 10 and 13, so we've been through it all. I know that it is not always easy, but we have to accept our role as parents and if we cannot do it alone, we can always ask for professional help.
“the better your children manage their emotions, the better their relationship with the outside world will be.”
This is a complex and fascinating topic at the same time. I hope it has helped you, feel free to share your experiences with us because we are all in this together. If you know someone who might benefit from this, invite them to subscribe to the podcast. In this way, we can resemble the ancient tribes, where its members helped one another. In addition, we appreciate your recommendation and rating on any of the platforms you’re listening to us. This makes us more visible and motivates us to continue offering this free material week after week.
A big hug ❤