Do you need to have everything under control?
Here are some reasons and tips to overcome this tendency.
Hello ….how are you today?
This week I have a double invitation for you. First, I’m going to offer you this podcast about our need to have everything under control, how much suffering that tendency brings about and how to overcome it.
If you can read in Spanish, I’m also sharing with you an article I wrote in Psicología y Mente magazine (Psychology and Mind in English), which delves into the topic in depth and offers you concrete tools to free yourself.
If you prefer reading in English, you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Control closes our brain like a fist 👊
As an introduction, I’d like to highlight that it is completely human to want to control our external and internal world with all kinds of actions that we think will spare us all sorts of unpleasant situations. How do we go about this? Strategizing, being hyper-vigilant, telling others how to do things, and overthinking. I know it’s easier said than done but the control we want to have over (almost) everything feels as though we were making a fist with our brains. Our amygdala is activated and our brain is hijacked. As a result, our nervous system is filled with stress hormones and it’s more difficult to be just present.
Pause for a moment please and think about all the situations we face every day that are beyond our control, think about the passing of time, illnesses, losing a person we love, other people’s reactions, and so much more. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of surrendering and trusting. It is quite a challenge, right?, but one that deserves to take on. Lately, I’ve been in a situation where a person that I love seems to be doing everything to self-sabotage. My control freak started to obsess about all the terrible things that could happen to him. I called this person a thousand times, I bossed him around, and I reached out to the people in his circle only to discover his life is his. I can offer my help but I can’t live his life for him.
HOW DOES WANTING TO BE IN CONTROL MANIFEST IN ME? WORRYING, OBSESSING...
How does wanting to be in control show in me? Worrying, obsessing, planning, and overthinking. However, the controller in me takes me away from the here and now. It takes me to imaginary future scenarios. It really points to all the wrong places and it exhausts me. What’s the cost of leaving my life behind in the “doing” machine? How much am I going to sacrifice to avoid being criticized? What’s wrong if things don’t go the way I wanted them to go? On the contrary, life may surprise me for the better!
We need to discern what’s in our hands and what’s not. We need to slow down and even to stop for a while to respond to what happens to us from a wiser and more compassionate place. Culture, family and genetics have conditioned us to be on the alert and to work as much as we can to avoid unpleasant surprises. Nevertheless, wanting to have everything under control is a by-product of a rigid mindset while a more flexible one makes life more beautiful and more relaxed, and it offers us the possibility to savor the present moment.
What can we do about this?
We can do our best and then let go and trust the process/Universe.
We can challenge the stories that we tell ourselves when we obsess with control.
Let me be clear. We all need some degree of certainty in our lives and to that end, it’s totally fine to design our lives with purpose. The problem is when we buy into the false scenarios that we foresee for ourselves and that create suffering.
Delegate tasks and believe in the people you do.
Adopt a growth mindset and remind yourself that challenges and unforeseen situations are part of life but you’re totally equipped to navigate them
As I mentioned earlier, if you can read in Spanish and would like to take a deep dive into the topic, go ahead and 👉 read the article I wrote in Psicología y Mente:
And remember trying to be in control of everything stops the natural flow of life. Put the practices I told you before in practice and you’ll gradually see how you start opening a big space in your chest and you feel more alive than ever.
A big hug ❤