My body and me (Part 1)
Hello …. How are you today?
This week I’d like to invite you to talk about this topic that’s on our mind a lot but that we don’t always share with others.
If I asked those who reject at least one part of their body to raise their hand, I’m sure the vast majority would. We reject what we perceive as very thin or very fat, not muscular, many wrinkles, a lot or little hair, untamed straight or curly hair, traits that we inherited from relatives that we don't like, painful or injured areas, and the list goes on and on.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
As I write this, I honestly wonder whether we have to fight the "self-hatred", a word that I borrowed from a friend who told me she’s suffering from that or whether we can simply start by accepting and acknowledging what’s going on. I’m against any type of struggle with oneself. I believe we need to wake up from our trance and look at our feelings of rejection in the eyes because they belong to us even if they hurt and we don’t know how to avoid them. Let's imagine two compassionate arms wrapping us up right where we are - with all our perceptions and with all our intolerance. And let’s listen to an inner voice that tells us “I see your pain, I know it hurts”. Kristen Neff, the leading researcher in the study of self-compassion, says that:
Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, being aware of our deficits, seeking our well-being, and fully embracing our limitations.
I’d say that after acceptance, self-kindness as an alternative to self-hatred is the second step in healing our relationship with our body.
Our home
Our physical self is our home and our refuge. Our most awake being inhabits our body. It’s worth pausing our hustle and bustle to see if we’re truly aware of how we malnourish and under nourish, how much we demand from ourselves in the gym or passively on a couch, how we subject ourselves to dangerous surgeries, and how we ruthlessly mistreat our bodies either in our speech or on our mind. We must make peace with our body as it is to take all the necessary actions from a loving and kindhearted place. It’s wonderful to move our bodies and have a healthy diet as long as what we do is a conscientious and affectionate act because we honor our life and because we want it to be as wholesome as possible. Regarding this issue, psychologist Virginia Gawel says:
“Loving it (the body) as it is is an indispensable task, not only to feel really comfortable with ourselves but, in some cases, to activate the body’s ability to repair itself, (…), starting from what is really in our hands, without any surgery: our attitude towards it”.
An example from the movies
I saw a show on Netflix about a ballet academy called Tiny Pretty Things where body abuse is so obvious that it’s uncomfortable. It’s a story about talented, beautiful, and extremely competitive young people. In their rush to get the best roles in the company, and in their need to express their absence of gravity on the stage, these students are trapped in eating and anxiety disorders, and they subject themselves to illegal medical treatments. All they think about is keeping their tired muscles working at all costs and their wounded feet ready for pointe work at all hours. Of course, one sees that and it affects one badly, and the same is true with actors, actresses, and models, who become unrecognizable beings. Too bad we are bombarded with messages from a culture that rewards those who strive to stop time and mutate into lean sylphs.
The outside
It’s quite a challenge to maintain our sanity and self-esteem in such a crazy context. And here is the third important point to keep in mind, it’s essential to stop looking outside to reconnect with our deepest inner wisdom. Underneath all that frivolous relationship with our body due to having such unhealthy models, there is fear. We are afraid of being rejected and not loved. Our fear projects a horror movie that has little to do with reality but that keeps us hooked. "You are ugly / fat / old / wrinkled, who is going to love you looking like that?" It seems like a spell. But there are many ways to wake up. If you cannot do it alone, do ask for help, it requires courage but you can do it and you deserve it.
The truth is that all those stories that we tell ourselves have little to do with what’s really happening in the here and now. Mindfulness, gratitude and love are stronger than fear and hatred. What’s more, they heal us. We must learn to relate to ourselves from those beautiful places. Is it easy? No. Is it fast? It depends. Are you determined to end all this pain, and to get out of the trance? Are you committed to taking the middle path? If you are wondering what it is, let me share with you Jack Kornfield’s explanation:
“The middle path describes the middle ground between attachment and aversion, between being and not being, between free will and determinism. The further we get into the middle path, the more deeply we come to rest amidst the game of opposites”.
The idea is not to stick to a notion of what our body should look like and not to feeling repulsion for what it is.
An example from the consultation
This reminds me of a call for coaching sessions that I had. This client told me that she was depressed and in bed because she had gained 20 kilograms. She was clinging to the idea of changing her nutrition and starting an exercise plan with a personal trainer. When we spoke, I suggested that she began by repairing the relationship that she had with herself by working on herself and getting to the root causes that led to her situation. The idea was that when she changed her habits she’d do so from a place of self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-respect for her worth. In the end, it is that, finding the calm to observe clearly, to begin to relate to ourselves from love, and to be able to choose what to do with clarity. Suddenly, our beautiful and pure essence appears in front of us, and we feel the need to forgive and hug ourselves, and little by little, our fear disappears.
If you know someone who’s struggling with this topic or having a hard time, please forward them this blog / podcast. I hope this precious community sheds light on challenges and that it’s of help to as many souls as possible.
A big hug ❤