I have been the Ugly Duckling, and you? (part 1)
That's me at 3 years old, in my first contact with the snow. Seeing my hands it seems that I am in a state of moving experimentation, but in reality I hated the cold that snow caused me.
Hello ….how are you today?
I too have felt inadequate, ugly, physically clumsy, not very good at math, unattractive, not popular, and rejected. I too, like the ugly duckling, bought into the story that I was an impostor.
Have you felt something like that? Have these imperfections weighed you down? Have you tried to hide them in some way in order to survive?
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
the story of the Ugly Duckling*
Today's topic has made me think about it a lot because it is a true reflection of reality. I’ll summarize the story for you and as you read/listen to it, try to draw parallels between its allegories and your own life.
Once upon a time, a momma duck was very happy contemplating how her chubby ducklings were born. The last one took long to come out of his egg. When he finally poked his big head out, his horrified mother told him to go away because he was ugly, weak, and an impostor. The duckling was so sad that in his state he couldn’t even make friends. After wandering on his own, a farmer invited him to stay with her and for the first time, the duckling felt accepted. Unfortunately, the farmer was using him. She was fattening him to eat him later. When the duckling realized this, he ran away feeling terrified. Exhausted, he arrived at a pond where he saw some attractive and unique ducks. The duckling was terrified of being rejected so he softly asked whether he could dive in the water too. The eldest welcomed him saying he was one of them. As the duckling didn’t believe him, the old duck invited him to look at himself in the crystal clear waters. The duckling discovered that he was really a swan just like the rest of the group. With the confidence he felt after discovering himself, he joined the flock.🦢
This story moves me to the core even today. I too have felt inadequate, ugly, physically clumsy, not very good at math, unattractive, not popular, and rejected. I too, like the ugly duckling, bought into the story that I was an impostor. I'm sure you also were led to believe that you were flawed in some areas either by your family or your education or your experiences. I can bet you’ve also felt how these imperfections weighed you down and that you tried to hide them in some way in order to survive. We have all coped in the way the ugly duckling did. He moved on feeling anxious and insecure. He didn’t pause to truly contemplate himself for fear of what he was going to find. He didn’t claim his rights or his power because he unconsciously granted them to those who had neglected and bullied him. We can spend a lifetime avoiding and covering up what makes us feel self-conscious, hurt, or traumatized. We can end up living on autopilot to avoid feeling what others told us directly or indirectly. Think of all the times you were told or made to believe that you weren't smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, slender enough, muscular enough, etc. and how that made you feel at soul level.
Is that true? Is that so?
“Just because I feel that something is real, it doesn’t make it true.”
Most likely, those words or those interactions have made you buy into those ideas about yourself as absolute certainties. There is something wonderful that I have learned in Mindfulness and that is that because I feel that something is real, it doesn’t make it true. I can feel clumsy when doing sports and I can feel that that is very real, but I have to ask myself, is that true? Is that so? Those questions will help me observe reality with greater equanimity. When I manage to calm myself down, I can see who I really am as the duckling that was not ugly but a swan. I can honestly share that I grew up with teachers, trainers, and relatives who told me that sports were not my thing. I suffered when I met my friends and they started playing volleyball or table tennis because I was scared of being discovered. My defense mechanism was to be nice, pleasant, and funny. I did the impossible to hide with a trembling heart what was happening to me but in that way, I disconnected from my essence, my needs, my values, and my inner compass.
The two minds
The emotional work on myself brought me to tai chi, yoga, and dance. And I was surprised to see myself dancing gracefully in a mirror. I finally understood that I have never paid attention to the rules in sports because they bore me. I enjoy and I am good at other physical activities without so many rules and which are more playful. The way to wake up from the trance is by challenging the thoughts that tell us that we lack what it takes to enjoy and feel fulfilled in love, friendship, study, work, hobbies and so much more. Did you know that in Zen they say that we have two minds? It's super interesting and it's something I agree with because it gives us a lot of clarity. Therefore, we have the mind that thinks and the mind that observes. When the mind that thinks fears, suffers, and obsesses, it cannot see the truth. In that state, your focus and energy will go to the negative and terrible things that may happen to you. However, we are much more than our thoughts. We are the ones who experience, create, have, and feel them. When we develop the mind that observes without judging ourselves, we can get out of our negative loop and reactivity and, like the ugly duckling, discover that we have unlimited potential and grace.
To be continued next week…
I hope you liked this article. It is a subject to continue talking for hours on end. I will be developing the topics that were brought up in more detail in the next podcast. Let me know which ones interest you the most as many of you already do. If you know someone who would benefit from today's reflection, forward this to them and encourage them to subscribe. This is the best way to help one other. We also appreciate your recommendation and evaluation on any of the platforms you are listening to us. This encourages us to continue offering this free material to reach more and more hearts.
A big hug ❤
*Hans Christian Andersen, 1843