I have been the Ugly Duckling, and you? (part 2)
Hello ….how are you today?
Last week I shared with you (👉part 1) some of the interactions I had in my life that limited me and made me feel small and flawed.
This week I want to share with you a personal anecdote from the time I was about eight years old that was enough for my self-esteem to plummet.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Georgina, 8 years old
One day, my mother and I were walking past the school where I used to attend classes. One of the teachers saw my mother and stopped her to chat. I was used to that when I went out with my mum because she knew everyone and because was very sociable. In the middle of their conversation, the teacher looked at me, grabbed my cheeks, stretched them, and moved them from side to side exclaiming "oh look at that ugly face please!” I don't remember if my mother said anything, I just remember that she smiled sweetly. Instead, I felt deeply hurt. How could someone be so cruel? Until that moment, I had not stopped to think whether I was pretty or not. I do remember feeling that my best friend was beautiful and a lot more than I was. To be honest, that interaction was enough for my self-esteem to plummet.
Only when I was older did I understand that that teacher had told me that in a funny way. Nevertheless, this makes me stop and think about the pain words said casually can make us feel. Think about all the times you’ve heard things like "those clothes make your butt/belly/stick legs stand out", "don't say that, don’t be silly", "don't act like a fool", "girls don't do those things”, “lower your voice, we can listen to you anyway”. All these comments can leave wounds that make us believe that we are too skinny or too fat, that our behavior is inappropriate, and that we are annoying. And unfortunately, when we are young, those coments can be much heavier than our little shoulders and young psyche can bear. On top of that if someone we admire or look up to says that to us, bingo! we swallow our tears and traumatize ourselves.
“We can’t stand other people’s disapproval. That’s exactly why we have it all upside down.”
To twist to please others 🤸♀️
When we are children or teenagers, it is very difficult to have the necessary inner confidence to not care about what older people think. That's where the problem begins because it prompts us to twist in a thousand ways to please others and to avoid being confronted with our perceived "fault / lack". It’s just too much to bear! That is why we do everything in our hands for other people to approve of us. We can’t stand other people’s disapproval. That’s exactly why we have it all upside down. It hurts me to say this because that's how I lived for many years. I didn’t feel strong enough to stop being bullied for being quite nerdy or to put an end to mobbing at one of my jobs just because I didn’t want to be friends with my bosses. The good news is that we can connect with the wise adult that lives within us. If your inner critic is giving you a hard time, you can always talk to your wise mother archetype. She lives inside you and she’s the one who tells you, "I see you, I know it hurts, take a break, rest." If you feel apathetic or afraid of following your dreams, you can always talk to your wise father archetype. It lives inside you and he’s the one who tells you, "I love you, I understand you, but it's time to get up, go out, and claim what's yours."
Living from the inside out
I always think of an analogy for these cases. When we let how others feel about us dominate us, it is as though we were in a car and we let our young and anxious self be at the steering wheel. Would you allow a child to drive while you are sitting in the passenger seat? Alternatively, would you try to find the self-control to tell him/her to calm down and to rest because you’re the adult and therefore, you will be the one who will take him/her to his destination? Our emotions are internal parts that belong to us. When something from the outside affects us so strongly that we are trapped in painful feelings, it is necessary to pause and to contact our most lucid Self. When I work with my clients and ask them to do this, they sometimes tell me that they don't know where they have that wiser part. That is when I ask them to talk to themselves in the way they would with their children or best friends or with a young person whom they really love. That is living from the inside out. That is letting ourselves be guided by our inner compass.
Pick your guides
I would also like to emphasize that where we place our focus of attention, our energy flows. I have to confess that if I focus on the fatigue I feel due to some anemia that I haven’t yet cured, I drag myself from one place to another and my mood is a clear reflection of that. Instead, if I feel grateful because I have my yoga class, I’m going to meditate, or I have a day that inspires me, I start floating with joy and energy. My neuroscience teacher teaches a wonderful lesson. He says that we come from love and we have to let it support us. Within us, there is immense compassion, good intentions, infinite gentleness, and great kindness. This practice helps us expand and relax into the love that we are. As he says, this is not airy-fairy; it is real. Day after day, we have to choose if we are going to let ourselves be guided by fear, shame, and insecurity of what others might say, or if we are going to let love, good wishes, curiosity, and courage guide us, which are ultimately all characteristics of our most awake Self.
👉 You are wonderful, you are unique, take your side, don’t betray yourself, your soul will appreciate it.
I hope you liked this podcast in two parts. If you know someone who could benefit from it, forward it to them and invite them to subscribe. This is the simplest way to help each other. We appreciate your recommendation and evaluation on any of the platforms you are listening to us. This motivates us to continue offering this free material to reach more and more hearts.
A big hug ❤