Navigating uncertain times
Hello ….how are you today?
Two years ago, government announced a lockdown as a result of Covid. We have lived all this time without knowing what direction our jobs would take, what would happen to our children's studies, to our finances, and to our health. Suddenly, something in me made me pause and change my original topic.
I’m not going to talk about Covid but about how my clients and I feel in these uncertain times.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
“What happens outside affects our inner landscape...”
What happens outside affects our inner landscape, and how we feel influences how we deal with what happens in the outside world, right? I think that at least intuitively, we all know that certainty is an illusion. We may believe that if we have everything under control and behave with some predictability, nothing bad will happen to us.
“How we feel influences how we deal with the outside world”
However, life teaches us that there are setbacks over and over again and that the more we try to avoid them, the more suffering and exhaustion we cause to ourselves. As the proverb says, no one stands in the same river twice, because the river, like life, just keeps running. Voltaire said, “doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is something absurd”. Those wise words feel like a stone in my belly. Uncertainty unsettles me even if it is inevitable.
Different uncertainties
First of all, I’d like to highlight something very important on this topic. There are uncertain situations that we want and celebrate and there are others that we don't. Think about moving to a new house, having a new job, a child, or a relationship, the uncertainty that those examples bring about is wonderful. The challenge begins when we aren’t ready for new life changes. Neuroscience has taught us that in stressful situations, the brain reacts by fighting, fleeing, freezing, or looking for more pleasant ways of living. This biological reaction is merely adaptive. Our species would not have survived if it hadn’t been equipped with these defense mechanisms. However, today we have more tools to avoid reacting in those usual and primitive ways when uncertainty strikes. I love a phrase by Thomas Merton that says,
“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope”.
Thomas Merton
But to recognize the opportunities and obstacles that the present moment presents us with, we need to pause and develop a presence that observes what is going on. It is counter-intuitive because when we don't know what will happen, our tendency is to start doing, thinking compulsively, or overloading ourselves with tasks that don't add value to the situation but cover it up. What would you say if I told you that those reactions are part of our comfort zone because the brain interprets that those are the ways it has to keep us safe? I'm already hearing you screaming "What do you mean?! If I’m killing myself to solve this!” “What comfort zone are you talking about? Certainly not mine”
An Example: 💓
I understand you perfectly because I was there and nowadays, I hold space for my clients when they tell me exactly that. I'll give you an example. One of my single clients is convinced that she is not going to meet anyone nice in the place where she lives and even less so in our current circumstances. She had several experiences that didn’t end well and she became frustrated. She goes out with her friends and children and that makes her feel even more lonely. We talk about what triggers her and we delve into what may be going on. When I ask her what lies behind her refusal to go out, she tells me all the reasons why she can't stand men from her culture. Although being in a relationship is what my client wants the most, avoiding opening up to a new relationship is her comfort zone. Going back to dating from a place of detachment from the outcome and fun in the process stresses her.
Take a look inside you
What can we do to avoid despairing in the face of uncertainty? How can we develop an attitude of curiosity in the face of the unknown? As always, the first step is to accept what we feel. No one says it's easy but it's important to acknowledge it. In Buddhism, there is a parable about being shot with two arrows. The first arrow hurts, the second hurts more. The first arrow is an unwanted event: we can't control it and it hurts when it happens. The second arrow is our reaction, where we double our suffering because we focus on the pain that will happen to us. This doesn’t mean that we are going to shrug our shoulders and just give up. It is quite the opposite; we are going to respond to what we need from a place of calm and non-reaction. Layer by layer, we will dive into ourselves and ask, “what does this situation want to teach me? What can I do to relieve what I feel? How can I reinvent myself? Trust me, the process of shedding skin brings about a lot of grief but it also allows us to give birth to new behaviors. In this process, it is very important to be self-compassionate to soothe ourselves. I suggest you try meditation, contemplation, deep breathing, taking walks outdoors, and being gentle with what you say to yourself.
Another example: Exams 😱
Think about this example. You know a young child who is upset because he has a test at school and he doesn’t understand the subject very well. He studies by heart and cries because he is afraid of failing. Something similar has already happened to him and his reaction has been the same – gobbling up the material for fear of failing. What would you do? Would you tell him “hurry up, there is little time left, try harder, listen, if you don't prepare well you will do badly” or “come on, let me hug you, rest your head here, tell me, what are you afraid of? What would be good for you right now?" I think the answer speaks for itself. And let me tell you that that scared child is you and me when we despair in the face of uncertainty.
SAMSKARA
Michael Singer in his book “The Untethered Soul” tells us that the reason we want things to go the way we planned them to go is that at some point in our lives something happened to us that made us feel bad. That is why we do everything we can to avoid pain and the uncertainty of the situation repeating itself. The author calls this Samskara, which is a term from yoga. “A Samskara is a blockage, an impression of the past. It is an unfinished pattern of energy that ends up directing your life.” The most loving thing we can do is be present with what this moment has to offer even if our legs are shaking because we don't know what will happen. When we witness what is happening to us with calm, courage, and interest, we are more lucid to find our inner resources one step and one breath at a time.
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