Years of Solitude
Hello ….how are you today?
As a subscriber suggested, we’re going to talk about loneliness. We are used to talking about our relationships but what happens when something happens to us and we are suddenly left alone? And what what happens when we seek loneliness out of sheer joy?
This is a broad topic because there are several types of loneliness. I’m going to focus on circumstantial loneliness and loneliness which is chosen.
You can listen to the podcast with this player, or if you prefer reading you have a written version below. Enjoy it!
Circumstantial loneliness happens when someone doesn’t have company due to their partner’s death, a break-up, old age, or moving, for example. This type of loneliness is not chosen because those who experience it want to be with someone else but their circumstances make them temporarily lonely. In contrast, the type of loneliness which we seek is nurturing and necessary in the midst of our daily hustle and bustle. This loneliness helps us find inner peace, ground ourselves, and evolve. Argentinian writer, Julio Cortázar said:
“I am a lonely person by nature. I feel good alone, I can live alone, I can live alone for long periods of time (…) Sometimes in big get-togethers, in very beautiful company, in which I feel very good and when we're doing things together, there's a minute when I say to myself: ‘Man, why aren't you quiet at home listening to a record?’ "
Interview to Julio Cortázar by Joaquín Soler Serrano in the program "A fondo", Spanish Television, 1977.
Surely, many of us can identify with that feeling of pleasure that being alone brings about.
Circumstantial loneliness
We’ve all felt alone circumstantially. From time to time, less or more often, we have all shared the same feeling of loneliness. Some have experienced loneliness at work, or in their studies, or in social gatherings, or in their empty nests, or in the silence of their home, the truth is we’ve all had an intimate relationship with loneliness. We take leaps of faith every day. We try not to feel the pain of feeling alone with our naked soul in a world where we don't always find a community that cares for us and embraces us. I always say that in the past, tribes were therapeutic. The older members took care of the middle-aged, and the middle-aged took care of the younger ones. Today, we live in fast times with incredible connectivity. We are a whatsapp away from each other and yet, we don’t always find the time to dedicate our energy and care to our loved ones. Circumstantial loneliness sometimes hurts a lot. I think of my father who became a widower overnight and who always tells me that he feels alone in all his loneliness. Today he’s grieving, today his house is too big for him, today he’s trying but he cannot tear away the loneliness that losing my mum brought about. As I’m writing this, I remember many clients and friends who are experiencing heartbreak or have left their countries and still cannot find peace in their circumstances. And those are just a few examples of circumstantial loneliness.
“How to overcome the loneliness which is imposed on one?”
The question would be how to overcome the loneliness which is imposed on one. I know that when the heart hurts, it doesn’t listen to reason but after shedding all the necessary tears and working on oneself, one must try to take the first steps. The first thing we can do is to find comfort in the feeling that there is some higher energy or the Greater Good (call it God, call it Universe, call it your most awake Self) that is guiding us all the time, and it’s always helping us to reorganize. Then it is important to adopt an attitude of love for life. Ask yourself, am I honoring my life? How can I do so? Dare to call others and ask them with real curiosity how they feel. Do activities that bring you joy. Appreciate everything you do have and that’s good in your life. Take care of your mind, your body, and your emotions consciously. Seek help and invest in yourself. As you take one step at a time, one day at a time, you’ll accept and understand what you feel, and you’re going to start to open to others and to new experiences, that will enrich your life.
Loneliness that is chosen
“In that chosen silence, we can take a sacred pause.”
The type of loneliness that is chosen is very different from the one I’ve just described. It’s the loneliness that makes us happy, it’s the one we seek to recharge our batteries. I began by saying that we live in a world of excessive activity, of quick interactions, which is not the same as relationships, added to the fact that we live in the midst of a lot of literal and metaphorical noise. That is why, I think many of us seek to have spaces on our own. In that chosen silence, we can take a sacred pause, be present in the here and now, enjoy ourselves, listen to what we need, empower ourselves and find clarity to redirect what’s necessary. It is a portal to have an intimate relationship with ourselves and to become self-aware and self-compassionate. It’s the best date with ourselves. Persian mystic and poet Hafiz said:
“Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut you more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few humans and even divine ingredients can.”
Hafiz
Loneliness that is chosen makes us evolve and transform. It helps us to live from the inside out and to integrate our lights and our shadow. It is the space where we find refuge and our inner compass. As Hafiz said, let's not rush our times on our own. Let's let our soul’s nutrients be better assimilated by our body, making our life a healthier and tastier place to live. As a result, those times of chosen loneliness will have a positive impact on our relationships and our behavior.
Do you like being on your own?
Share with us in the comments.
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